Sweet Succulent Life

3D felt hearts

2012-01-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

For years I have made the same paper craft around Valentine's Day. It involves cutting heart shapes out of paper and then gluing them together to make 3 dimensional hearts. When I thought about making this particular craft earlier this week I realized I only had red cardstock. I also have made a comittment to myself to buy absolutely nothing I do not need to and knew I would have to find another craft or another method. The alternative became felt. I had felt in pink, white, and red just waiting for me in the craft room so I set out to translate the paper craft in to a felted craft, it was fairly easy.

Here is the finished product:

Start by cutting out 3 felt hearts. They should all be the same color felt- my first prototype had 3 different colors and it did not look good.Next take two of the hearts and se them together along one side.
Notice my stitching isn't even. If you are really concerned about having perfectly even stitching I suggest practicing. Where I am hanging these no one will ever notice.
Now, open up the joined hearts along the middle, take your third heart and attach it to the unsewn edge on only one of the other felt hearts.
You can see how I have pinned it here, I actually pinned each edge before sewing. I did not want to get down to the point and find they were off but if you are experienced with felt it might not be necessary.
There is only one remaining side to sew but first you will need to insert some ribbon. The length of the ribbon is not important, mine was about 22 inches and it was that length because that is what I had sitting in my ribbon supply. :)Place the ribbon down through the top of all three hearts. You want to make sure that when you start to sew your last side, you catch the ribbon with your needle and thread as many times as you need to so it will be securely fastened to the felt hearts. My ribbon was tiny so I went through it twice before using the same thread to sew the final remaining side.
This is a nifty little trick I learned from a sewing class. It is called burying your thread. You push your needle through just one of the sides, pull tightly, and then cut. Then it looks like this:And you are done with one felt three dimensional heart.

The second heart was added on the fly and while I was on the phone so there are no pictures. The only thing that is different is the ribbon comes all the way up through the bottom before being secured at the top of the second heart.

Happy crafting!!!

Z is just the beginning

2012-01-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

When Ari was little I used to watch her with a sense of amazement and curiosity. I still do. Sometimes I would wonder what she was thinking or what the world looked like to her. I would do things like pretend I could not read and try to see letters as mere shapes on pages or passing billboards. There were times the lyrics from the song Veronica by Elvis Costello would come in to my head, "Is it all in that pretty little head of yours? What goes on in that place in the dark?" I soon realized that as much as I might wonder I would never know what the world looks like to her. Actually, few of us even know what really goes on inside our own "place in the dark".

This week I had a moment of grace. A moment were you really see yourself, you see what you are thinking, you see what is driving your thinking, and you can no longer hide from the truth of what you see there. I learned that my mind is busy filling in details, making up stories, and proclaiming judgements and the rest of me is often along for the ride. I saw that the stories I make up center around one prevailing theme. I saw in some instances I am very busy looking for a culprit, so I can lay my moral outrage on them. I found that my head did this on its own, with very little information and lightning fast.

Its a funny feeling when you realize you can no longer trust your own perception. When you sense the filters you have are welded to the frame of your mind and that possibly the best you can do is keep noticing that you are not seeing reality but rather your filtered, skewed version of it. I suppose I should be a little more uncomfortable with the idea that my own perception is obviously tilted, but I have known this on one level for quite sometime, just not on the true seeing, feeling level that I have now.

Once you see yourself, see what your mind is up to, really see it, you can't un-see it. And this is where my next work begins. The work of being vigilant to notice my filter, not for purposes of shaming myself but so I don't throw shame at others.

(My two girls, this picture makes me want to snuggle them)

Y=Yucky Joy

2012-01-16T10:41:00.001-08:00

The past day has had its challenges. The details are all story. The realities are, our family has lost a friend and on the heels of that I witnessed something that terrified me, confused me, and sent me roiling down in to my issues. Last night, my all too human self, spewed my inner turmoil on my husband, in front of our kids. When I was done, I found enough calm in myself to circle back apologize to my husband, inform our children that my behavior was incorrect and that I spoke to their dad in frustration in the midst of my own turmoil and that I was human and had made a mistake.

This morning, I was still sitting with a range of emotions some of them escalated. I knew on an academic level that the moral outrage I was feeling and the judgements I was making were partially driven by how confused I was by the things I had seen. But there was more to it and I did not know what.

I also knew, that come hell or high water I had made certain commitments to myself and I needed to honor those. So I got in touch with me and set out to do what was in front of me to do next, cleaning the laundry room.

I gathered my supplies and my iPod and set about the task at hand. Suddenly, the real pattern in my thinking forced its way into my consciousness. My fear of being alone, abandoned, unsafe, my fears of being neglected were all wrapped up in the things I had seen. They were skewing my perception, distorting my reaction. I began to cry. And then, I was done. My heart still hurts I still miss our family pet. I still miss the other creature whose end I witnessed, completely by accident. But, I don't feel outraged, I don't feel liking shaming anyone, I don't feel guilty or wanting to lay guilt on anyone, and I don't feel pity for myself or these other beings who signed up in whatever capacity to live in an impermanent world that takes no prisoners. And I know that peeling away another layer of my thinking eventually leads to more joy. Eventually.

(Harry, whose first name was Sally until we could no longer ignore the large anatomy proving he was a boy. We had 5 years with you, you awesome little man.)

24

2012-01-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

When I originally started doing the alphabet posts it never occurred to me that this particular letter would be a bit problematic. First, nothing starts with the letter X and second labeling a blog post with the letter X seems a little fool hardy. I mean not to be cynical but the letter X and the internet can add up to trouble and I am not looking for any. So here I am doing a post that has nothing to do with the letter X but the fact that X is the 24th letter in the alphabet and I have something to say about the hours in the day. Well, that just works out fine.

A few days before the end of last year I had a call with my mentor. We talked about what I was planning on doing next. She made a suggestion on some things I could work on that would lay the groundwork for what I want to eventually do with any extra non family involved time. She suggested I do some of my homework by, "Following the trail of bread crumbs."

Something interesting happened. Let me give a little background so this makes sense. I am a highly intuitive person. I make by very best decisions by sitting quietly with myself or being calm and centered enough to let my intuition guide me. I have long struggled with the way we are taught to get things done, usually involving making lists and setting deadlines, and the way my own best living unfolds. Not long after my conversation with Jennie I noticed something happening. I was not making lists, I had no inclination to set goals. But, I was moving ahead more deliberately and methodically than I had ever moved. I have been getting up in the morning and following my instinct about what happens next. This has been mostly cleaning out the house, reorganizing, creating a home that is more easily cared for so I can have more time to do other things. When I am done for the day, I am done. I hold myself back from doing what my head wants me to do. When the energy shifts away from organizing and cleaning for the day, I follow my intuition to see what comes next.

I took a good look at family meal prep and realized it was not something I love. I realized that I had to find a new way to feed our family that took less time and could be more enjoyable for me. I started having less of a plan for meals, creatively combining what we had in the kitchen. I started using the crock pot whenever I could or utilizing leftover ingredients from other things that would take less time and effort than starting from nothing. I am seeing so many more possibilities in how I do the things I need to get done.

Then, just to make it all nice and tied up, I started taking this class. Although, I do not need a why to trust my intuition, this class explained so much of what I was feeling pulled to do in the first place. Creating joyful, easy care, and creative solutions to the things I am going to do anyway can make my life more sustainable. It can make the things I add in to my life more sustainable. And this is a very good thing, because it does not matter if I can get something done once. Most things in life are going to come back again, daily, weekly, monthly and having an efficient way of doing these recurring things helps me have more time for other things.

Perhaps the most profound thing I have learned in the last few weeks, is that discipline does not require strict routines. This is the part that has always failed me in the past. For me, it is not about having a set routine, up at a certain time, doing the same things on the same day. For me, it is about having the discipline to do things, to keep doing them, and to hold myself back from doing them too quickly (which ends up being less precise) on some arbitrary time schedule.

(Perhaps the best reason to do things my own way, is that even with a huge amount of progress made I have had a lot of time to do stuff like this.)

W=Whispering Wednesday

2012-01-11T09:01:00.001-08:00

I have been sick for about 5 days now and am going on my third day without a voice. I can whisper very quietly and that is about it. It is a remarkable thing when you can't just do things the way you always have. I have noticed many times in the last 3 days that because I can't speak easily, I just don't, and it really has not been a problem. In fact, if I dare say so, it has been much more pleasant around here with me so quiet.

During the early part of yesterday, Ari , Mina, and I sat on the floor in the kitchen. Mina and Ari were eating pretzels and biting them so as to make the letters of the alphabet. Then, Ari decided she would take Mina in to her room with her and sent me to bed. Yep, my 9 year old sent me to bed.

I finally went in to the doctor last night and was not too surprised to find I have double ear infections. Apparently, I can't talk or hear right now. While Ari and I waited at the pharmacy for some medicine, an older gentleman started talking to us. He said something about me losing my voice and then said something to Ari about enjoying it while it lasted. Of course, as I have already said there is an element of truth to what he said but Ari was shocked by the statement. She asked me after, "Why would I ever enjoy my mom being sick?" I told her that everyone sees the world and what happens in it differently. I said I could not be sure what he was referring to without asking but that maybe he saw many kids and parents where the relationship was unequal. Where the kid was supposed to do everything the parent said and the parent used whatever means they needed to to get what they thought should be done, done. In that case, having a parent who could not yell at you would be awesome for the kid. She shrugged and we walked out of the pharmacy arm in arm, with Ari doing all the talking.

(Ari, wearing her multitude of cats shirt, some of the cats even have mustaches.)

V=Values

2012-01-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

Your values will determine what you value. A strange sentence but a perfectly logical statement. Then it follows that what you value should determine what you do with your time. Interestingly, I am finding as I take a long look at what I do with my time, the things I value and the things I am choosing to do are not always in alignment. I have known about the book Good to Great by Jim Collins for some time. I know about his concept of the "stop doing list" but knowing does not always create doing.

Sometimes we have to stand back for awhile, take a long look at our choices, what do we do with our time, our money, our energy, in summary what are we doing with our one precious life? Are the choices we are making minute by minute and hour by hour consistent with what we value and if not why not?

For me, a large overarching pattern burst in to my concious mind. I waste things. Time, energy, money you name a resource and I am sure I waste it. I waste the resources on things that bring me little essence and thus things that eventually give me no value. A stark revelation.

What comes next? For me, I need to have a meeting with myself and determine what are my timeless values. Then, which activities are not in alignment with those values and therefore must be abandoned all together, no matter how much I have invested in them to date. And, I must understand the way of thinking which is driving my choices. This piece is the part that has always held me back. What has changed? I started taking this course, by my mentor and friend Jennie Marlow. The exercises are pushing me to examine my choices and how they are driven by my thinking.
(Panda Sue, whose birthday is today and whose companionship I value immensely)

U=Undisputed

2012-01-09T09:59:00.001-08:00

This weekend John and I were having an animated discussion in the kitchen. The topic at hand, a George Foreman Grill. Ari called in from the living room, "Are you guys fighting?" We responded that no we were not, we just had differing opinions. I told her that I could certainly understand her dad's love for bacon and that was driving his desire for a George Foreman Grill. John said he could understand my need to not have spaces I have recently freed from clutter taken up by an appliance that all he wants to do with it is cook bacon.

Ari said, "Well it sounds like you are fighting and I don't like it." I think we both wanted to respond with some snarky comment about how we get to listen to her and her sister fight all the time. However, what we both told her, was that disagreement was a very good thing. When two people can disagree and still communicate well, things get better and better. No one feels trampled, decisions are carefully weighed, points of view are shared and perspectives are broadened.

Ari's immediate response was that her fighting with her sister was a good thing too. We agreed, in principle. We explained to her that we felt it was our job to teach her and her sister how to disagree well, using ground rules and respect for each other and the ways we all differ. She seemed interested so we told her we thought the ground rules were no name calling, no violence, and active listening. And we welcomed her to come up with other ground rules if they led to productive disagreement.

In this entire conversation, I could not help but think about an ar ticle that has crossed my attention at least 4 times in the past week. Teaching kids to have disputes even with parents using ground rules and a desire to understand and make things better is a good thing.

In the end, we still do not own a George Foreman Grill and John and I both agree that a pan and a broiler will work nicely. We both ended up getting what we wanted and because the dispute was settled respectfully, no one is stewing or waiting to throw it back at the other party. Hopefully, the girls can learn a thing or two from their dad and I disagreeing and maybe we need to do it within earshot of them more often.
(John, lover of his girls, bacon, and Warcraft)

T= Time teller

2011-12-31T11:38:00.000-08:00

In the book Built to Last by Jim Collins and Jerry Porras, they talk about two different kinds of leaders who build great companies. A time teller is someone who builds a great company through the sheer power of will. They tend to be charismatic and demanding and although they create a great company, the company generally flounders upon their exit or death.

The other kind of leader is a clock maker. They build companies with a good solid base of principles. They can be charismatic but often are not. The companies they build are resilient and can bounce back from years of not doing very well.

I could not help but start to form the idea that families function in this same way as well. It got me wondering if I as a parent am a time teller or a clock maker. And, if I am a time teller, how do I shift over to being a clock maker instead? What attitudes would I need to change, what choices would have to be made differently? Am I building a principle based life that can bring our children a greater possibility of success long after their father and I are gone?

S=Stepping through...

2011-12-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

This article from Discovery News relates some of the research being done on memory. Not surprisingly, research has found that moving from one space to another results in a loss of memory about what a person was doing or looking at in the previous room. I have thought about this article a lot since I first read it. What may seem like a vexing human challenge at first glance, might be an incredible boon for forgetting things all of us want to leave behind.

The research explains that even walking through a virtual door had this effect of clearing memory. It seems to me that a person could actively choose to use doorways as a way of clearing memory of unuseful things like ideas or events that have been fully processed and serve no good purpose but to hang out and drag a person back in to the muck. A person might be able to use an imagined doorway to leave behind what no longer serves them.

An end of a year could also be an important symbolic doorway. What if we chose to leave some things on the other side as we walk through that door? Each new day could be a doorway. An opportunity to glean the important lessons from the day and then walk through to a brand new one.

R=Rebellion

2011-12-27T09:22:00.001-08:00

I have thought a lot in the past couple of weeks about the Occupy movement. I know very little about the movement and have not really been interested in seeking further information. Last week, driving in the car alone past the park in our city that housed the occupiers I realized something. So much of the life our family is living is a protest.

For years, I have known people who around this time of year choose a word of focus for the next year, without ever feeling compelled to do so myself. This time, the word JOY found me and I knew it would be my focus for my choices in the coming months.

Everything came together when I found this quote: "The greatest expression of rebellion is joy." Joss Whedon. My personal occupy movement is to own and live JOY.

Q=Quiet

2011-12-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

If I am lucky enough to be up before the kids and I am also so fortunate as to still have dark outside, the only thing I want to do is stand in the kitchen or sit on the floor and stare at this...

P= Past, present, and perspective

2011-12-23T03:20:00.000-08:00

Up until 2 years ago I remembered very little of my childhood. When I first started to remember things, I wanted to stop. The memories were mostly bad. Then other memories started to rise up too. Happy ones. Ones that would make me giggle. Memories that would transport me back to my grandpa's farm, or the creek we played in near our house, or my brother taking me for rides on his bike. Then, the bad memories did not have such a powerful affect, because there was something to balance them with.

I really have no control over when a memory will arise. Last week, I had a very powerful memory from a past Christmas. One that knocked me on my ass for a bit. A memory that made me weep and one that explained so many of the things that I often feel this time of year. Around the same time a friend on Facebook posted a quote the gist of which is "You can't control whether or not winter comes but you can control what you plant in the spring". This gave me an idea.

I started to think of life, my life, like a movie. This is my movie and I get to choose. Not every scene that is shot makes it in to the final movie. That does not mean it was never shot, it just means that somehow it did not fit in to the final product and ended up on the cutting room floor to be discarded. I decided that I would much rather remember Mina toasting marshmallows over a candle, or Ari jumping up and down for joy over a new discovery. I decided that I now have so many good scenes to replace these other ones with, even the ones that have not risen out of my memory yet. And that once I feel the memory and look at the pattern it may have to show me, I am going to replace it.

This does not mean I am going to start denying the material facts of where I have been. I actually have lived in that reality and it is not a better place. It means, I am going to focus my energy on elevating my own perspective. On actively choosing to stop seeing the world through the lens that was created in my head so long ago and to move in to a frame of mind where any scene can be cut and replaced with something more beneficial to living a better life.

O=Onward

2011-10-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of weeks I have been given many wonderful opportunities to stop, look, listen and evaluate. Even the yucky stuff has given me some space and reason to pause and revisit what we are doing in our home and most importantly...WHY?

Ari has had many moments lately to shine, such a beaming brilliant shine. So much joy and happiness pouring out of her, it is magic to watch.

I feel I know Mina better lately. I understand her better. Although, I am a long way from the relationship I want to have with her, we are finally on the right track. She is starting to show her physical, adventurous side. She is such a happy child, always giggling and making jokes.

Just today we had a situation that could have gone badly. One where my husband and I could have handled with our logical brains and instead we both chose to use our intuition and empathy. And tonight, only Ari is home while Mina stays at her cousins and everyone is so happy about it. Several times tonight Ari has told us how much she loves us and I feel good about where Mina is at and who she is with and imagine she is getting along well there.

Life is really quite simple and effortless when I can get my head out of the way. When I can live with the fact that I don't know why something feels right, it just feels right. This is the same way we found ourselves on the life path we are now on. I cannot give anyone facts or figures or a logical reason why this is the right path for our family. Although, over time, many pieces of information give me a good idea that we have chosen well for us.

This idea that we have chosen well "for us" has been sinking in lately. That what I felt so strongly when it was time for Ari to go to school, the feeling that school would not be the right place for her, was simply not what everyone feels. And, as I view my friends and families lives from the outside looking in it is so important to not value or de-value their experience in some comparative way to our families. Each life is a different experience, as all human lives should be.

N=Not Natural

2011-09-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

This morning while doing laundry, I found a ladybug in the hamper. I picked it up and said, "You don't belong here." and then proceeded to release it in to a proper environment. Funny enough, I had been thinking all morning about community, belonging, and the environments we might find ourselves in as people.

I recently started a knitting class. I enjoy knitting and I like to learn new things. But I don't really look forward to the class. I was pondering this idea when I realized that for me sitting in a room for two hours with people I don't really know making small talk is about as close to hell as I can get. I am a social person but I am the kind of social that says, "Hi" and "Good Bye" with very little else in between. For this reason I love running on my local trail. I love running by people, many of them the same people I see day in and day out and making pleasantries. I would probably make a damn fine greeter at Wal Mart.

I tend to exist most happily on the two extremes of social interaction. If it is brief and shallow great, if it is a meeting of souls who can really talk to each other fabulous. I also have endless time to listen to a person who is passionate about what they do, or about a hobby they have. I don't have to enjoy the same things but if another person is passionate about what they are speaking of, I can listen and interact for a very long time.

I could take in these realizations and continue to push myself in to environments that do not fulfill me. Kind of like taking my little friend the ladybug and making her a cozy home in the laundry room. I could probably keep her alive. She might survive her time in my basement. But the real question is, would she thrive and although I am not sure what capacity an insect has for such things, would she be happy?

M=Making the Most Of It

2011-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Kellee sent out a challenge this week and the timing could not have been more perfect. With the changes in the weather, school back in session, and the coming holiday season, I feel now is a good time to assess where we are at, where we would like to go, and possible plans for getting there. Here are 10 of my personal "To-Do's" for the coming months:

1. Yoga- My daily practice whittled down to a never practice during the summer and it is time to get back to it.

2. Learning- Not that I am not learning all the time but I want to add some more structured class time learning to my agenda for the fall. First up, knitting socks through community education.

3.Budget- I have been playing with our family budget this summer but feel it is time to challenge myself to find ways to use money more efficiently.

4. Facebook- It is time once again to lower my overall computer time and Facebook is always a good starting place for me to lower screen minutes.

5. Play More- The girls are young, they will not be this young forever. Now is the time, here is the place, and fun is on the agenda.

6. Scare myself- Halloween is around the corner but this challenge is not about spooks. I have always been a nervous, slightly fearful person. I have found the best way to overcome that is to push myself to do things that scare me.

7. Mess it up- This one goes along with #5. Life is messy. It can always be cleaned up again.

8. Invest in friendships- Now that I am no longer hanging on in life by my fingernails I have the energy to invest in good friends.

9. Alone time with my kidlets- One on one time with both of our girls helps me to get to know them better. It gives me the ability to just say "yes" to whatever it is that particular little person wants to do, or mostly yes without having a compromise session balancing multiple needs.

10. Alone time with my sweetie- Our kids are bigger now. We have a few more babysitting options like grandma and cousins. John and I started this adventure together and will be here when the littles head out the door for the wide world. Now seems like a good time to catch up and maybe go for a walk or two sans children.

Well, there you have it. Thanks for issuing a challenge Kellee and the reward surely offered incentive.

L=Life is...

2011-09-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got out of bed, leashed the dog, and headed out the door for our morning exercise. Lately, this ritual has been happening later and later because of the changing time of sunrise. As the time has gotten later it has forced me to rush more and consider time more carefully as it is necessary for me to be home for John to head out to work. The rushing has been getting to me and as soon as I got on the trail to run yesterday I could hear a little grumpy voice in my head cursing the changing seasons. My inner curmudgeon said, "I hate it when the seasons change." and then I began to laugh out loud.

Truth is, I love fall. I love the changing of the leaves and the crispness in the air after all the heat. I love apples and cinnamon and harvest festivals. I love this time of year and how it nudges me back towards my home and family. I adore the unexplainable desire to cuddle with my kids and husband and cocoon ourselves in the joys of home.

Okay then, if I don't hate fall or the changing of the seasons what is my inner curmudgeon going on about? Aha, the real issue here is I know once again I have to change things up. I have to find a new solution for the dog and I getting exercise. The direction of my energy moved to the task at hand. What are all the options for meeting this need? I made a short mental list and then whenever I found another solution I added it to the list. Next thing to do, try the things on the list, be ready for some of them not to work, find a working solution and then be ready to abandon that one if and when it no longer works, like when the seasons change again.

Life is change. Really that about sums it up doesn't it? And the quality of life seems to be directly related to how well a person can manage change and find workable solutions that meet every ones needs. Cursing change, as I was starting to do, is pointless and a waste of energy. Energy that can be used to find new solutions and opportunities, making our lives richer and more joyful.

K=Kindness

2011-08-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl my sister and I shared a bedroom. We had twin size beds with red metal frames with bars all along the headboard and footboard. Both of our beds were on wheels. Every night we would go in to our room and we would be very, very quiet but we would not go to sleep. Without making any noise we would push our little beds together and begin to put all of our stuffed animals and dolls around the edges.

I remember either having a discussion or just the mental thought process of working out where the toys would go. I wanted to sleep with the toys but not suffocate them and I wanted each and every one of my toys to know how much I loved it. I determined that my only option was to sleep in the middle of the bed without covers so I could make sure the stuffed beings could have what they needed. I had to sacrifice for their needs. Something strikes me really hard when I write this story today. At the age of 5 I was already utterly and dangerously co-dependent.

I went along continuing to behave in this pattern until just 2 years ago. At that time I made a huge and fairly drastic life decision. The first 3 days I just cried. After that it was 2 years of remembering and digging through, falling down and getting up. I spent long bike rides pulling apart my own thinking and hours on the phone with my mentor Jennie. When I got hung up I called my husband and asked him to remind me how bad things were before I made the decision to change my own life. My good friend Julie got to hear my rants or my sobs more than once. Other people knew nothing, could not possibly understand that the me on the outside was barely holding things together while the me on the inside completely fall apart.

That was scary, probably the most scary thing, watching me fall apart and just having to have faith that somehow, someway I was heading in the right direction.

Step by step, that little girl learned that love contains respect, that healthy people have boundaries (not to be confused with walls my friends) that taking care of your own needs has to come first and only leaves you more able to take care of those that depend on you. That little girl learned that when whole people come together magic and beauty and joy light up our lives, even in the midst of chaos and destruction.

Most importantly, I learned that kindness is not something we do. It can be something we do, but first it is something we feel. Kindness comes from an open and willing heart. It comes without strings and it can come from anywhere. And I am thankful to many people who knowingly and unknowingly offered even the smallest kindness in the past 9 years when I have most certainly not felt very kind.

This ride started long ago, I thank those who have taken it with me. Those who have known me from the earliest of days that always knew who was inside the facade. I thank those who joined on late, who have only known me during some of the most tumoultous years of my life, the nine years since I gave birth and first started to open Pandora's Box. And, I even thank those who sort of left me on the road. Of course, this ride is not over, it has just taken on a different tone and any and all of you are welcome to stick around to see where our adventures take us to next.

J=Joy

2011-08-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have a picture of myself that I carry around in my planner. The picture was taken when I was about 4. The 4 year old in that picture had already experienced many things other people won't ever experience in their entire lives. Yet, that 4 year old is joyful, vibrant, buoyant. It is my favorite picture of myself and I carry it around to remind me that this is the most essential part of me, the joy that has always been a part of my being.

There are times in life when I have forgotten that person. When I have been angry, resentful, sad, when I have wanted everyone to leave me alone. That is part of who I am too. The grief, sadness, and even the anger have made me more in touch with the joy, even though that seems strange. And all of these emotions and feelings are part of what it feels like to be human.

Lately, when I am around people who are unhappy, I have a keen awareness that I know what it feels like to be unhappy. I know the years it took to be able to even think about my brother and his death and not be completely overtaken with anger, sadness, or loss. I know about running away faster and faster thinking you can out run the past or at least pretend it did not happen. And I know what I know now, that sometimes people get through it and get on with their lives. That peace can find you at the oddest of times in the most unexpected of ways. I am also aware that I cannot assume when meeting someone where they have been, what they have seen, and the events that have made them who they are.

I=Intention

2011-07-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

Several times recently as I have been working through one situation or another I have found a common thread. The common thread always comes back to the intention I have when I am pursuing an activity. In the past couple months, every situation that has led to discomfort, bad feelings, and challenges for me personally can be traced back to not having the proper intention when making choices. Some of my choices have come from a desire for me children to do something I want to do or want them to do and others have come from feeling pressure to do culturally "normal" things.

For sure, these are pretty normal things to do and I am not beating myself up about my choices or the consequences I get to face because of them. On reflection, though, I feel that a huge part of my job as a parent, especially of my oldest daughter, is to help her make choices in keeping with her heart. And, for this reason, I feel lucky to have taken a long look at my choices and how they are actually not in keeping with my role as the person who helps her learn to listen to herself.

H= Heart's Desire

2011-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

In the last month or so, I have noticed my little family has been coming upon challenges that are interpersonal in nature. Things that take a quiet mind, a kind heart, and a thorough examination before acting. This is not something at which I excel. My first instinct is to run or fight when in these situations, this is the skill set hard wired in to my biology and the same one promoted by my family of origin. Fortunately, I have honed a certain degree of skill in sitting and waiting. Waiting for an opportunity, waiting for an instinct, waiting for myself to settle, and more waiting. I know that the pattern I have had in the past of zooming in to fix, destroy, or otherwise just make myself more comfortable with a situation leaves an absolute path of burnt nothing, hurt feelings, regrets, and nothing I want to carry with me as I go forward.

It occurred to me this morning, that it is my utmost heart's desire to change these patterns. The ones my biology and my family superimposed upon my young self. It is my heart's desire to have something entirely different, something my soul can feel good about, and something my children can learn from. It is a deep yearning I carry within me to do what is kind, to evolve, move forward, and carry myself with more love tomorrow than I did today. So, though these varying situations had me a bit overwhelmed a day or so ago, I now see that I am being handed the loveliest of opportunities.

Whenever you reach the edge of your ability in anything, there is the opportunity to grow. The opportunity to push past what was once a barrier and to find a whole new person capable of more on the other side. So, though what I am looking at requires grace and tact, careful choices and the willingness not to run away and though these are all skills I have struggled with at some point in time, I feel capable and willing to wait and watch and act when appropriate and hopefully find myself on the other side.

Lenses

2011-05-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

Monday night as I prepared for bed, I found myself thinking about the historic events of the day. I found myself pondering how my emotions were so different than some of the people who I know and respect. At first, I started concocting a rock solid argument for why I was right. It occurred to me that this, in itself, is an act of war. I intend to invest no energy in war. Therefore, I had to do something different.

Funny thing, even with the strong desire, the focused attention, and a background in yoga and meditation, I found it incredibly challenging, almost impossible to move my thoughts away from "being right" for very long. Even harder, was trying to have any notion of why a person might feel the way they did about an event or situation.

Every person comes from a unique background comprised of the culture they are born in, the family they are born to, and even the birth order in which they find themselves. I know from my experience as a parent, that the way you look at life when you have your first child and the way you see it when you have your second can be radically different. Each of us then has our own life experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, and with our sophisticated brain, we draw large conclusions about life while living it. Each conclusion then becomes a part of the lens through which we view the world and each person's lens is very different. By the time we are adults these lenses are so ingrained in the way we think, that we rarely question them.

So back to me sitting on my bed. I realized the only thing for me to do was accept that each of us comes from someplace very different. I realized I must radically accept, especially those I love and respect, as having viewpoints equal in validity to my own. I understood that the situation at hand was calling me to make a choice. That choice was to either close down and make enemies with ideas and people whom I do not agree with or to walk a different path and greet these difference with open-hearted acceptance.

The next day my oldest daughter, who knows nothing of the war in Iraq or Bin Laden, asked me what I thought could bring peace to the world. I thought for a moment and responded that we can really only bring peace to our own hearts and that we have to be satisfied at some level with that. That our presence in the world peacefully was proof that peace was possible. And I remarked that this honestly is a huge challenge that most of us will struggle with for a long time.

I found this TED talk today that really illustrates the challenge of understanding another person's experience.

G is for Glee

2011-04-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was looking around for inspiration. Funny thing was, I was looking in all the wrong places. I noticed that my kids have an effective and omnipresent ability to find inspiration pretty much everywhere. Our oldest went on a Glee jag. Both of the girls then began to sing and dance around the house all day and night. It reminded me how much I love music, most genres and how quiet our house had become. From watching them use a television show as inspiration, I started noticing when I felt inspired, when I felt the most creative and open.

I also began noting all the different ways the girls use everything around them for inspiration, education, and exploration. What I saw really amazed me and what follows is a few pictures of the random ways the girls use the things around them.
The skull model that becomes...
a bed for a polly pocket complete with a diaphragm from another model that became a blanket.

The roll of tape that became a web...

that became a tape ball and then became...

an ice cream cone.
The metal frame, pool, sandbox lid, and umbrella that became a shelter from the rain.
The flash card box that became...
a house for little people.
The fallen tree branch that became a balance beam and jumping hurdle.
The limbs from the same fallen branch that added a little more shelter to an existing frame.

I really need look no further than the creativity of our children and their open minds about how something ordinary can be used in a new and novel way to know that inspiration is a state of mind.

F is for Friend

2011-04-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

Last week I walked in to the kitchen to hear Ari engaging in a very interesting conversation. Without divulging too many details, I will try to give you a sense of the conversation.

Ari has a couple really close friends. Other than that she is not that interested in being social. Both my husband and I are a lot like her. I knew everyone I went to high school with. I mean everyone. I knew kids a year and two years older. I knew kids a year and two years younger. I knew a bunch of people no where near my age because of my mother's gas station and my older brothers. That is what happens when you live in one town for 15 years. And when that one town has 4 elementary schools that feed in to one junior high and eventually one senior high. But even knowing all those people, I had maybe 5 close friends.

So back to Ari. Ari does not do the acquaintance thing. Either you are someone who is her friend, someone she has not decided on yet, or someone she does not really want to spend time with. I used to obsess over this quality. I wondered if I was not giving her enough opportunities to meet other kids. I pondered whether our lifestyle had made her less social. And then I realized it is just her personality.

Last week a boy she likes to play with came over. I could tell they were not playing well together. The boy kept asking Ari what she wanted to do. Although she had plenty of ideas and found things to keep herself occupied, the two of them were just not playing together. This has happened many times over the last 6 months or so. At some point the boy said he was going to go and play with another one of his friends. This is where it got really interesting.

Ari very directly asked him if he came to our house to play with her or if he came to our house because it was convenient and he had nothing better to do. This is the point at which I walked in. The kid looked like a deer in the headlights. I asked Ari if she needed some help and she asked me to stay and help them talk this situation out.

Ari explained to the boy that she does not play with people she does not want to. She said it was important to her that he was coming over to play with her. And then she told him that she was trying to understand his intentions. If he made his decision to come play because he wanted to play with her then she was happy to have him over. If, however, he was coming over because there was no one else to play with or to play on our computers then she would rather he not come over at all. He mentioned that he did not want to hurt her feelings. She explained that she would rather have her feelings hurt by someone being honest with her than believe something that was not true. I explained to him that no one in our family was going to be mad at him or be mean to him. We had no ill will about what he chose to do, but that Ari was requesting that he be clear about why he was coming over.

The boy left. Ari went out in to the backyard and looked a little solemn. I went out to check on her and she said, "Don't feel bad for me mom, I have lost friends before." I gave her a look of "are you crazy", and told her "I don't feel sorry for you." I went on to explain to her that I felt what she had done was really mature. She was willing to state exactly what worked for her in a relationship, she was willing to lose a relationship that did not work for her, and she was so direct about what being in relationship meant to her. She was not mean or abusive in any way just very up front.

And once again, I get a much needed reminder that I have as much to learn from our kids as they do from me. And, a reminder of what my mentor/ teacher has already told me about being in relationship:

"...we cannot be truly powerful in a relationship if we are competing for dominance, or being subservient or avoiding conflict. We may even realize the simple truth that both of these methods are equally about controlling what happens in the relationship, the first dominating, is about winning the fight, and the second, being subservient, about avoiding the fight altogether. While the conflict avoider may appear to us somewhat as more sympathetic- "nicer" than the dominator- the reality is that energetically, both are playing the same game; they simply have chosen different poles on the polarity of domination and subservience. The real sacrifice is authenticity. There is no authenticity here. It is all a game, a competition, an exercise in the misuse of power and energy. What drives this behavior is the perception that losing the relationship or the person is worse than giving away power or abusing it. The authenticity must be sacrificed in order to maintain the relationship." Spotted Eagle

E is for Essence

2011-03-25T23:51:00.001-07:00

Essence is a peculiar word. You really do not hear it used often. I am tainted by my first experience with the word essence in the movie The Dark Crystal. I cannot think of the word essence without thinking of gelfling's and the vital essence that is drained from them. I was going to post a link but that scene in the movie still gives me the creeps.

My second encounter with the word via my teacher and mentor, Jennie Marlow, has been much more enlightening. The essence of any activity or thing is the feeling experience you would like to have. It is important to distinguish essence from form. A form may hold a desired essence and it may not.

In the book Personal Magic, Spotted Eagle says, "The focus on essence is one of the most transforming shifts that you can make in your thinking. When you focus on form, what you are really doing is trying to control the outcome. You close the doors on the Creator's spontaneity, and you do not leave room for Spirit to co-create with you. When you focus on the essence of what you want to create, you open up limitless possibilities by allowing Spirit to bring you that essence in forms you may never have imagined. If you want to change what you are creating in your life, then you must cleave to the truth that life is a feeling experience, and the essence of what you want should be foremost in your thoughts."

I keep a list of the essence words that are most important to me on my computer. It amazes me how this subtle reminder that I look at daily changes my perceptions and choices. Mostly, I see this in my interactions with my children. It is easy to get caught up in my own chores, thoughts, and my own ideas about what should happen next or how we should resolve a conflict. When I take a deep breath and remind myself that the essence of connection is much more important to me than any outcome, I can relax into a conversation with the girls about my needs and theirs and how to meet them all. Sometimes, I realize my "need" was not a need at all but an attachment to an idea or outcome I wanted.

Another important essence for our family is joy. My husband said recently that, "Joy is our religion." and indeed we are constantly looking at our choices from the perspective of whether or not what we are choosing is making our lives more joyful.

I have found that when you boil decisions down to essence, things become very clear. there is no longer a nagging idea that I need to force my kids to do things or make a situation what I want it to be. Spotted Eagle says it this way, "Essence clarifies for you what it is you want in your heart. "The mind speaks in urges, appetites, and attachments. The soul speaks in desires of the heart. "

D is for Do Nothing Days

2011-03-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up reaaaalllly early today, well early for me. The girls are generally up pretty late and therefore I am up with them. This usually allows me to get up at a reasonable time and have a couple hours to myself. I think I was out of bed around maybe 6. But I could defiantly feel that I wanted to be back in bed and that my physical equilibrium was just a little off.

Being up early gave me an unusual chance to talk to John before he went to work. Any lost sleep was well worth the treat of his company without kids. I headed back to bed after he left.

When I finally did wake up I was sure today was a "Do nothing day" I like to use the term "do nothing" but it is so misleading. It is kind of like "Learn Nothing Day" which is on July 24th every year. I cannot conceive of a single day not doing or learning anything. A "Do Nothing Day" is more of a day where I let go of my ideas about what I need to do or get done. Honestly, I want to do that every day but on "Do Nothing Day's" I usually achieve it.

Mina's first order of business was to look at the voo doo doll.

Isn't she lovely? John brought her home from work last night. She was a gift from a co-worker. The girls and I took turns looking at her last night and laughing at the advertisement on her attached card that suggested your voo doo would be more powerful if you bought special pins from a certain company.

The voo doo doll somehow reminded Mina of the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas so we started to watch it, but never finished. At one point Mina told me she was still tired and would I come lay down with her. We went to lay down and accidentally woke- up Ari. It seems this is exactly what the little one had in mind, she missed her sister and wanted to play with her.

I took a shower and put on my favorite socks- yes I have favorite socks. You want to see them? sure you d0.

Here they arrrrrrrr.
And sweats and my fluffy pink bathrobe and the day proceeded in lovely "Do nothing" flow.

The girls have vacillated back and forth between computer games, make believe, GameCube, and role playing with their stuffed Sonic, Shadow the Hedgehog, and Amy Rose figures.
This is Shadow the Hedgehog with Mina for those who are not in to Sonic.

I read bits of Scientific American the magazine, bits of Flow, parts of at least two TED talks, only bits and parts of everything, why I have no idea.

I would call today a highly successful "Do Nothing Day".

C is for Coolest Cat in the Country

2011-03-21T17:25:00.001-07:00

No this was not a one time thing. Yes, Little Whisker lets the girls push him around in the stroller. He also allows Ari to take him on walks and sleeps belly up in her arms.

B is for Bodega

2011-03-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

The little one (Mina who is 4) and I both have a love for odd words. There was a month or so where Mina would say the word Ming over and over. Ming is kind of an odd word but it is also the name of her cousins cat. Bodega is not a word you hear in Utah very often. My first real experience with common use of the word bodega was when I went to visit my sister in law in New York. There, of course, a bodega is a small market. It was of course no surprise to me that the word bodega was originally Spanish.

Upon my return from New York, Mina and I would use the word bodega randomly and excessively, much to the annoyance of our housemates. The usage faded over time until I took another trip to California.

On my way to San Francisco, I drove a road in the middle of nowhere that led to the middle of nowhere. Only the second middle of nowhere happened to be on the coastline of California. While traveling down the coast I happened upon a town called Bodega Bay. Wow, the combination of Bodega and Bay was even more lovely to say. I noticed in the shops in Bodega Bay that there were a lot of t-shirts and other items with the movie The Birds on them. It turns out Bodega Bay was the filming location of the Alfred Hitchcock thriller.

Funny enough, I spent a good share of my tween years in an old run down theater in a town not far from the one I grew up in watching black and white Hitchcock movies. There was Rear Window and Vertigo, along with The Man Who Knew Too Much and To Catch a Thief. I had not thought about watching these movies or the old theater in years. It was a wonderful bit of nostalgia for me.

When I told my husband about this memory he said, "God, no wonder you were such an anxious kid." To which I then pointed out that movies are not real and I was an anxious kid because my childhood home was real and almost as scary as things Hitchcock could imagine. Then we both laughed cause we are kind of deranged like that.

A is for Awesomesauce

2011-03-17T16:06:00.001-07:00

(A could have been for Ari. She is my first born and I love her. I love her so much that I know her need for privacy would not allow an entire blogpost devoted to her and I respect that fully. )

I think I am embracing the idea of doing a Niedermeyer Family alphabet, so where better to start than with awesomesauce? Awesomesauce is a word my hubby uses a lot. I have no idea where he got it, probably from a movie as we tend to watch a lot of movies.

Awesomesauce is how it feels to pull nasty, smelly carpet out of a room that had water damage, even though it means the floor is now concrete.

My husband and I have very different personalities. At first he was not convinced that the room smelled terribly. I wanted to have his olfactory checked. It was BAD. Then he realized it was smelly and on Saturday while the girls and I were at a birthday party he tried steam cleaning the carpet. Then he was absolutely convinced that the smell was gone. I on the other hand was absolutely sure that his sense of smell had completely left him. Instead of pointing that out, however, I waited to see what would happen.

Yesterday, Mina asked her daddy to come to the smelly room to watch her walk on the treadmill. She loves to walk on it but we like to be near, just in case. So John and Mina went downstairs and when I went down to throw in some laundry I stopped to say hello. As soon as I walked in to the room, John said, "This room stinks." In my head I did backflips and little fireworks went off, oh thank god. So we spent the rest of the morning pulling out the carpet and pad and scraping off glue from the concrete. Now the room does not smell and that my friends is awesomesauce.

Mina is Always Up to Something

2011-03-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

Chicken feet
Fingers can be friends.
Old t-shirt mummification
"Look mom, I am an old lady."
The yoga mat that handily doubles as a skirt.

"But how do I feel this good sober?" P!nk

2011-03-10T08:59:00.001-08:00

Note to self: Always view blog post before publishing :)

"The power of faith in the now moment is what allows us to embrace the uncertainty of the now, and to embrace it with non-resistance that allows for pain to coexist with joy. We can do this because we recognize that discomfort is always an opportunity to evolve something." Spotted Eagle

This last week or so with all the things I was experiencing, life did not stop. There was still so much joy intertwined with the sobering truths I was facing. The word sober is interesting. In our culture it is generally related to being free from drugs and alcohol. I have thought about this word a lot in the past week.

Sober:

–adjective

not intoxicated or drunk.

habitually temperate, especially in the use of liquor.

quiet or sedate in demeanor, as persons.

marked by seriousness, gravity, solemnity, etc., as of demeanor, speech, etc.: a sober occasion.

subdued in tone, as color; not gay or showy, as clothes.

free from excess, extravagance, or exaggeration: sober facts.

showing self-control: sober restraint.

sane or rational: a sober solution to the problem.

Definition 2 refers to temperate.

Temperate:
Origin:
1350–1400; Middle English temperat < Latin temperātus, past participle of temperāre to exercise restraint, control–

I had pondered the words above for a couple days when I received an unexpected phone call. The person calling I have not spoken to for some time. She called to let me know that some one important to me that has had lifelong issues with drugs and alcohol had now been sober for 52 days. She then went on to tell me about her own struggles with addictive behavior. It was a refreshing, eye opening, totally authentic exchange. I left that phone call with so much new knowledge about what it means to be human and what it takes to walk away from the things that hold us back from lives of joy and authenticity.

I believe that almost everyone has some sort of addiction to something. I know for me the only way to walk away from the things that rob me of essence is to be sober and temperate. Not the sober and temperate involving alcohol, but sober and temperate in using my unique make-up to make the decisions that are best for me, no matter what the consequences. A moment to moment connection with what is intangible and forever and therefore most real.

At the same time, sober and temperate do not mean devoid of laughing and happiness as so many in our culture believe. They mean finding happiness that is real. It means finding humor wherever you find it, for some of us that is almost everywhere. Sober and temperate mean knowing where the middle road is and constantly returning to your connection to spirit, especially when circumstances are pulling you from that connection.

Life has pain in it

2011-03-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

One time while speaking to my mentor she stated rather neutrally, "Life has pain in it." Part of me thought, "no duh". But some other part of me realized that I had a belief that if I was "doing it right" life would be pain free. The idea that life should be pain free is really debilitating. If a person holds this belief, then when things get painful, as they always will when you have to face a truth that is unpleasant, there is a tendency to resist. Resisting truth, however painful it may be, leads to increased bondage. The only way to free oneself from bondage is to face whatever is there, even if it is ugly, or unpleasant.

This weekend, I was given the opportunity to see a huge pattern in my own perceptions, behaviors, and choices. This seeing had many threads that wove around and in to every relationship I have ever had and every relationship I currently have. The seeing was incredibly painful. In fact, the confrontation was so powerful, I had symptoms of asthma, nightmares, and an acute pain in my chest. A pain that I at one point briefly questioned as a heart attack.

Even while I was in pain, even while I could feel this incredible pull to curse my body, to blame it for just not acting properly, I did not. I managed oddly enough to remain present with my family, to conduct myself in ways I do not now have to regret. And even though it hurt, I knew I was being shown something important, something that if I could just be honest about it, would allow me to really see what I was up to.

When the pattern became obvious, when I could see where all the pain came from, when I could feel all the grief, the disappointment, the anger, the confusion; suddenly I felt peaceful. I knew what came next. I knew that a pattern had been shown to me, one that held the keys to my bondage or liberation. I know that if I am present and open, if I trust my intuition, and if I really immerse myself in living from my heart, I can make headway on that old pattern. I know that it will not be a one time fairy dust, emancipation experience. I know that I have to do the work and that doing the work can be both joyful and rewarding.

Addiction

2011-03-04T09:22:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about addiction since yesterday. I am reading a book called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. In it he talks about the amount of sensory input a person can process at one time and then through simple multiplication arrives at how much sensory input a person can process in their entire lifetime. The number is approximately 185 billion events in an entire lifetime. This sounds like a lot, but really when you are talking about an entire lifetime it is not that much. Csikszentmihalyi says, "Therefore, the information we allow into consciousness becomes extremely important; it is, in fact, what determines the content and quality of life."

This got me thinking. Although, I can do a little about past content that may or may not already exist in my consciousness, I have almost complete control of what new input I expose myself to. This is not a new idea either but for some reason it became very relevant as I was reading last night.

This is where I began to ponder addiction. What behaviors, choices, and patterns do I have that add nothing to the quality of my life? Addiction is defined as:

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

But the root of the word is this word: (Latin) addictiōn, and it has a different definition: a giving over, surrender.

So then I framed a question for myself: What I am surrendering my 185 billion possible lifetime events to that adds no quality to my life? For me the answer to this question lies in patterns of behavior that many people would probably not call addiction but patterns I feel clearly are. Here are some of mine: worry, caring to much what people think of me, spending too much time engaging with electronic media in a non quality fashion, and many more.

But then this question followed:

What events do I need to surrender more to to add to the quality of my life? Some of the answers are playing with our kids and pets, creating more in whatever form I choose, laughing more, loving more, dancing more, using my intuition more, and having more gratitude for the wonderful life I already have. All of these things will require me to surrender the things that do not add to my life. All these things will take moment to moment discipline in cultivating. But , when I look back down the road of life 5 or 8 years I realize I have already surrendered many things to have a life of quality. I see that I have the discipline to walk away from old patterns of behavior. It does not happen over night but it happens in a flowing fashion of opening myself up to the grace of each unfolding moment.

These are the moments

2011-02-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

This morning the girls and I were watching Fantasia, the original. This song was next and the narrator was giving some background information on the music and animation. If you listen to the narrator you hear him something about the difference between hope and life and; death and despair. Ari turned to me at that moment and said, "Death is nothing to be feared, it is a resting spot for your soul."

These are the moments I am the most appreciative of in our lives. The moments when I get to see that our kids are learning to think for themselves, learning to question, to build a framework of how they view the world. I often feel I am the one who is learning the most. For all the things I might be able to teach our kids, the things they are teaching me are more important.

Potty Training

2011-02-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

When we first got our newest pup Panda about 4 weeks ago I went in to a local pet store to buy a kennel to keep her in when we had to leave the house for whatever reason. I have had puppies before and although it has been a long time, I knew that if we wanted her to be safe and our belongings to be chew mark free, we had to have a place to keep her. The kennels were back in the corner of the store and this particular store is pretty small. A dog obedience class had been set-up right in front of the kennels and so I stood there and looked around the participants and looked at the different sizes and at the same time was trying to figure out how I was going to get the kennel once I had made a choice. Soon the teacher of the class zeroed in on me and asked what I was doing. I explained, puppy, need kennel, and nicely pointed out YOU ARE IN MY WAY. I did not really say they were in my way but I wanted to.

She then helped me to get the kennel I needed and load it on my cart. Which was good because up until that moment I had not figured out that this was going to be a challenge. I thanked her for her help and as I went to leave she mentioned that if we needed some help, the store offered "potty training" classes. I hope my face did not give away the HUH? are you serious that I was thinking. I nodded politely and headed to the door.

Potty training is not easy but it is simple. A puppy usually will get it over time. One of our dogs was potty trained in a matter of days, one a matter of weeks, and our Yorkshire Terrier took years to be completely potty trained. I think Rice (our yorky) would have gotten it sooner if we had been more consistent. I honestly think it is odd that there is an option to take your dog to a potty training class. It seems like a whole new level of, "experts know best" and "you people cannot possibly figure this out on your own".

Of course, in my mind it brought up the idea of potty training kids, which is similar but different. I hear people talking about potty training their kids quite often as I am a mom and on FaceBook. Potty training is the first thing people feel they must push there kids in to and possibly the first thing parents feel they must "teach" their kids. Up to this point, oddly enough, the child has learned to roll over, pull up, walk, and usually talk, all without rewards or parental intervention.

I look back on my own ideas about potty training and they certainly have changed. When my oldest was around 2 I decided it was "time". I now think that is a really funny idea. How can one person decide for another person it is time to learn anything. Ari made it very clear right away that she ran the show and that any sort of bribery or reward I might offer was not going to help. Rather than fight what felt like a losing battle, I decided to give up and regroup. I left her alone for a year.

The spring of the year Ari turned 3 she potty trained herself. It looked something like this. One morning we get up and Ari refuses to wear clothes. Okay, I roll with it. When she pees she looks down and sees that she is peeing. I had no idea what she was doing at the time so I think my response was, "AAHHHHHHH, lets go to the potty." After a week of nudism and some accidents Ari was completely potty trained. Not a single M&M, no books read while sitting on the John waiting for nature to follow my timeline, and surprisingly over the coming years only 1 accident EVER. "Huh", I thought "that was interesting." But what was more interesting to me was that she was also continent at night as soon as she was potty trained during the day.

When Mina came along, I never thought about potty training at all. One day, the spring she would turn 3 she decided she was not wearing clothes anymore either. End of the week, potty trained. I certainly did not expect it but I was more than happy to see her take initiative and learn how to use the bathroom herself. Once again, continent day and night and in the 2 years since very few accidents.

In general, I think the belief that we need to teach kids much of anything is outdated. Few people understand that learning to talk is actually much more challenging than learning to read. Just as some kids will be walking at nine months or talking at one year, learning many other things has a very variable timeline. Each person also will more than likely have their own unique path to this learning as well. Some people thrive with the use of phonics and follow a common path of letter recognition, then sound recognition, then word recognition. I think Mina will follow that path. Ari however, is a learner who goes from the whole to the part. She will learn to read later and I am watching her do it backwards of convention.

Standing back and letting my girls potty train themselves was my first lesson in child led learning.

Investments

2011-02-24T07:58:00.001-08:00

"Invest fearlessly in your joy." Spotted Eagle

Put On Your Big Girl Panties

2011-02-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a Put On Your Big Girl Panties and Deal With It, sort of day. Oh and this one applies quite readily too. I put on my hazmat gear too and went in to the shed and cleaned that baby. You see, the only thing really keeping me from getting in there and cleaning it was my fear of what I might find. I was doing what my mentor calls, "letting my fearful mind drag me off." And whoa Nelly was I being dragged.

I had a vision in my mind of moving a few things in the shed and having mice start to stream out by the hundreds. Yes, I have a wonderful imagination, imagine what I will do when I take its control back from my fear based head. Guess what I found instead? Not a single mouse. Not one. Not a live one, no dead ones. Just a whole lot of bird seed, mouse poo, and pee smell. No exterminator necessary and $10.00 for ventilation masks. (The girls wanted one too so I picked up a few.)

Item number two on my list was the water damaged bed. The smell from having water damage was not going away and in my gut I was pretty sure it was making us sick. I could not even sleep in the room it was in. I did some research on mattresses because we paid a lot for that bed not even 6 months ago and I really was not interested in dropping that kind of money again. I found a reasonably priced bed and honestly on some level I think a bed is a bed. I ordered it and it will be here today. We all slept in the livingroom, a sort of slumber party.

During the day while cleaning up after mice and ordering beds, I played with the girls. We danced in the kitchen and I also dragged them across the kitchen floor while they held on to my ankles, much to their delight. We had tea parties, we did laundry, we played with pets, and we just enjoyed each other.

I found my flow again basically by doing what had to be done. And although I cannot say "it will never happen again" maybe over time it just becomes easier and easier to catch ones self and your own head and see what you are up to. I will take progress, progress is good.

Oh Entrails

2011-02-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

So in all honesty, it became obvious that the events of the last week or so were in some ways affecting my overall mood. I was mostly myself but not entirely myself. I have had many conversations with John about the difference between mice and birds. Apparently, dear husband actually thinks birds have more potential to cause disease. Hmm, that's a new perspective. Of course, John is likely to pull stuff out of his lower sphincter when he wants us to move on (usually Ari and I) but in this instance I am going with it. I asked John if he would take care of the invaders in the shed as I really was not sure I could deal and he was all for it. Only over the weekend, it did not happen. Probably because I am freaked out about them and he kind of thinks they are like flightless birds who do not spread avian flu.

Today, I was out in the yard with the pups. The 3 year old Yorkshire Terrier Riceburgh and his more than willing accomplice these days Panda the 4 month old mutt. This time of year John and I have long reffered to the backyard as poop soup. Not delicate but pretty honest. When you have a steep set of stairs in to a backyard and dogs and you rarely go out in winter- it gets messy. This year it is mostly soup. Our big dog Freeway passed on around this time last year and Panda and Rice together barely make as much poop as Freeway did on his own. That and I have had some opportunities to clean up the yard off and on as we have had temperatures as high as 60 in the past 2 weeks.

Our girls were jumping on the trampoline, I was cleaning up after the pooches, and Panda and Rice were running around and chasing balls when we threw them. Suddenly I noticed that the dogs were fighting over one particular spot on the lawn. They are rolling over on their backs and pushing each other off of the spot and then taking their turn rolling over on the spot. "Hmmm, I wonder what this is about", thinks me. Curiosity kills more than cats, it kills bliss induced by utter denial too.

I walk over and find what at first looks like a very small dead mouse. Nice, our dogs have been outside rolling on dead mice, from our lovely shed infestation. I am stuck. Can't leave mouse or dogs are going to keep rolling on it and I do not have any way to pick it up. I call for reinforcements and my oldest daughter brings me a used produce bag, laughing the entire time. She has to look at the dead critter for some reason and that is when I realize that I only have the back part of a mouse in my bag covered hand. Shortly thereafter, I realize that the dogs have moved to a new spot on the lawn and when I get to where they are I find they have been rolling on the head portion of the deceased mouse.

That was it. Over the edge, done for. Our first plan was to open the shed and let the neighbor cats and migratory hunting birds take them down, but I can't do it anymore. I am one more mouse entrail or squeaking mouse in the night when I take the dogs out to go potty from insanity. So, I do something I don't feel great about but something I am not sure I have a choice in at this point, I call an exterminator.

Then I give 2 dogs a bath.

Going With It

2011-02-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

Sometime ago I heard a comedian who worked in the art of improv explain what he called, "the first rule of improv". The first rule of improv is to go with whatever comes your way. You don't resist or argue, you use whatever your partner adds to the skit to your comedic advantage and you go with it.

I think about this rule quite often. I try to apply it to real life. What does "going with it" look like in real life? Well, it looks like letting go of your assumptions about everything, letting go of what you want to happen, and letting go of being in control. It looks a lot like flow, the flow of taking whatever comes your way and using it for your growth and to promote your happiness.

Said differently, "Willingness implies that we are present and open. We are willing for the present moment to be exactly what it is. We are open and facing all of the uncertainties, disappointment, pain, and fears that what we find in the now prompts us to feel. Willingness is really the flexibility to come to the moment willing to let go of anything that is not true for you in this now. It is the ability to recognize where you are attached to a belief, habit, circumstance, or relationship that no longer serves you. Willingness is really the ability to be present with whatever is placed before you on your path without trying to control what happens to you out of fear." Spotted Eagle

Being willing to live like everything is an improv, because life is an improv with the universe and everything in it.

Yoga Knee and Loofahs

2011-02-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while doing my morning yoga I noticed some nasty, scaly skin on my knees. It seems bare kneed yoga can have some side affects, this particular one I am calling yoga knee. I looked it up, no one else has used this particular term so if it becomes a common part of the vernacular, I want credit. My brain set about pondering ways to get rid of yoga knee. The first thing that came to mind was using a loofah.

As if the word loofah is not funny enough, the pure funniness about the loofah lies in the fact that my husband is obsessed with them. For a long while we had a nice bright purple loofah. It hung in the shower and I think was mostly lonely and solitary except when John used it. Then one day it disappeared. I noticed it was gone but really did not think about it twice. We have two daughters and things get re-purposed all of the time. But while I barely noticed the missing loofah, it soon became a real issue for John. He asked me to find a new loofah for him one day while I was out.

I found a new kind of loofah I thought would be really cool. It had a handle on both ends and the loofah in the middle. I thought it could make solo loofahing a little easier so I brought it home. Upon opening the package I discovered it also had a little battery operated massager in it. Nice bonus, I guess.

The battery operated massager disappeared as soon as the girls discovered it could be removed. Soon it was showing up all over the house. It had various uses that the girls found undeniably attractive. It made a great and annoying noise. It could be placed on unsuspecting people much to the victims surprise and the girls' delight. But, it could also be used to give parents a massage, one use of which John and I both approved wildly. Okay, so no massager but we still had a loofah...or did we?

Soon after purchase of the new- fangled loofah and the massager relocation program, John came in to the kitchen with a deflated look on his face and asked if I would buy him a new, REAL loofah. I suggested this was really a job for him as he seemed to be the loofah conissouer in our home.

The next evening John came home with not 1 not 2 but 3 loofahs. 2 for him and one of my very own. Of course my loofah was just the average, ordinary loofah John knows and loves. His was something called "The Detailer" and he had 2 of them. Apparently, if you are a man who likes to loofah a name like "The Detailer" is more supportive of your manliness than an ordinary loofah.

Oh so where was I going with this, oh yah yoga knee(tm) (That means trademark) Apparently, yoga knee is impervious to loofahs magic powers of exfoliation. I am not sure how I will cure it actually. I think my next attempt will be to use the foot scrubber and maybe a whole bunch of lotiony goodness.

Who Knew?

2011-02-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a change in life is forced on you. Just the fact that it is forced often makes most of us resistant. But, the resistance always come from an assumption that what we are changing is forcing us to give something up. If we were capable of being neutral, it would be fairly obvious that to each change, a chosen one or a forced one, there are a vast number of potential outcomes.

Earlier this week we were forced to move around our living arrangements. This is something we do often by choice, but this time it was by force. Because of the way our house is set-up we asked our youngest daughter if we might move the "sleeping room" to her room until we could figure things out. This room is much smaller than the one we previously used. Our family was previously sharing one room but two beds, one a king and the other a twin. There was no way we were going to fit both beds in to this smaller room.

We were able to move the king bed and set-up its frame. We thought we would attempt to have all of us sleep in this one bed. The first night did not go well. Often the first little while after any change is unsettled. Our oldest daughter was really upset that we had to move the bed. She would really like it if nothing ever changed.

Then yesterday, I had an idea. If I cleared the closet and placed my daughters pillow sac in it one of the girls might be willing to sleep in there. The doors were already off of the closet so it would not be separate from the room but might feel like a nice cozy little nook for one of the girls. This little nook became really comfy really quick. Filled with the pillow sac and some down comforters and more pillows than probably belonged in the space, even I wanted to sit in there.

Ari took to it immediately. I laid on the bed while she laid in the nook and we chatted. She even slept in there most of the night. Everyone slept well. And, there was at least one surprising bonus to the move. Ari likes to stay up late while the rest of us turn in earlier. Because the room she was hanging out in was across the hall from where we all were, she was more than happy to stay up on her own.

I am not sure what the house set-up will look like when we clean up the mess that prompted the move in the first place. Honestly, I am not even going in to the room we evacuated right now. But, hopefully, I will see what ever comes next with much more neutrality knowing that every change has an infinite number of possibilities and in those possibilities is potential for good things you did not expect.

Of Mice and Mold

2011-02-17T08:55:00.001-08:00

It has been an interesting couple of days around here. On Monday night I mentioned to my friend that because we were having a few people over it would be nice to have the trampoline out. My husband overheard my conversation and I found him in the backyard putting it up. He mentioned in passing that there were some mice in the shed. He suggested washing the pads that go around the outside of the trampoline in the morning.

The next morning I went out to wash the pads and found them well past saveable. The smell was awful and the rodents had chewed holes in the pads as well. Soon after the cat started catching mice and even attempted to bring one in the house. Now, I am all for furries. We have 2 cats, 2 dogs, a guinea pig, and a fish. But, for some reason mice just set off my "OH MY GOD HANTAVIRUS" alarm. I was dealing with this fairly well. Sure when I saw the cat with a mouse in its jaws I was more than a little creeped out, but I resisted the urge to light a match and throw it in the shed.

Friends came, we had a splendid time. Friends left, we had dinner and settled in for the evening.

Wednesday was the day of Ari's first ever filling. She had a cavity and the dentist also wanted to seal some of her teeth. Now, Ari is a lot like her mom. Which means we are both incredibly resistant to new and unknown. I have had 37 years to work on this particular quality and I still find it rearing its head and having to remind myself that life is mostly about the new and unknown. She headed to the dentist with her dad and although I had planned to keep the day low-key, I felt there was some cleaning that was hollering to be done.

Mina and I armed ourselves with a bucket of soapy water, rubber gloves, spray cleaner (because spraying borders on obsession for the little one) and various rags. Our goal? Wash the walls in the "sleeping room", clean the light fixtures in the same room, and vacuum the carpets. Okay, so we all sleep in the same room. We all like it, it works for us, and I am sure soon at least one of the girls will outgrow it but for now, we have a sleeping room.

With one wall down, I moved to my next task, moving the king size bed. The bed has been on the floor. With us all in the same bed and with Mina still on the young side, falling out becomes impossible if there is nowhere to fall to. So, I lifted the edge of the mattress, then had to stop and prepare myself to lift it the rest of the way. I have only been able to lift it a couple times without help so I realized I might be in a losing struggle. As I pushed the wall up against the bed, I smelt something really nasty. It was like a mixture of musty old towels and pee. Mina described the smell simply as "smelling like butt". There on the mattress was a substance, I have yet to figure out what, and it came from the floor beneath it. I am fairly certain it is not mold but the title was too attractive. :)

The rest of the day was consumed with making new sleeping arrangements. I did this with no enthusiasm- meh- would describe the feeling well. John attempted to cheer me up- which really I found annoying because seriously is anyone going to be bouncy happy under the circumstances. I mean I was not overly dramatic or despairing, just meh.

Then a thought occurred to me. This was not anywhere near the worst day of my life. Nowhere near. This was a minor nuisance compared with the events of the worst days in my life. No one died, no one had an incurable disease, we had a place to sleep, food, hot damn my life was GOOD.

Then another thought occurred to me. I once saw a tv show where the family was remodeling their whole house, while living in it. That sucked way worse than my day. I have a friend who has been building a house for I think the past two years, that was much more work, took much more perseverance, and I bet there are days she feels like meh. In the words of my mentor, "It is a big universe and shit happens"

Valium

2011-02-16T08:45:00.001-08:00

Ari has to have a cavity filled today. The doctor requested we give her a Valium before her visit. It took a little convincing but we wanted her to be as relaxed as possible and even though drugs in general are something we try to avoid, we felt this could make the difference between a kid who could get her dental work done and one who would fight the whole thing.

John gave her the pill and then came down the hall of our home just minutes later and said, "I would not want the kid we would get if Ari were medicated. Go look at her." She was a shell of herself. Sure she was calm and docile. But she was also so obviously numb and unengaged. I think both John and I are more appreciative than ever of who are kids are and the spirit they have.

Buddha

2011-01-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

Somehow today Buddha came up. Ari asked if he was a real person. I told her there was a real person that was thought to be the "Buddha". I loosely told her the story of how his parents were told he would either be a great ruler or a wise man. I mentioned that his parents sought to protect him from all the sadness and misery in the world and so they would only take him to the nice parts of the kingdom and they would steer him away from old people, the ailing, and anything else that would signify that the world had suffering in it. She gave me a really shocked look and said, "Isn't that just a little overprotective. I mean what did they think he was going to do when he found out eventually those things existed."

Funny enough, that is one of the reasons we have tried to be really up front with Ari when something comes up. We then talked about what parents in our culture attempt to hide from their kids and to what benefit or drawbacks this could lead to in life in general and in the relationships between children and parents. Certainly, there are times Ari wished her dad and I were not so up front. But, since we have no desire or inclination to change who are and we just happen to be people who are not afraid of tough conversations- at least not anymore- we will continue to do as we are doing. How will it turn out? We don't know, but neither do people who do not tell their kids the truth.

Counting

2011-01-25T10:06:00.001-08:00

Second grade was the year I really started to hate school. I am not sure why I am thinking about this today but there you have it. It could have been that my second grade teacher really did not like me. This was the truth. To be fair, I do not remember myself as a child but I imagine I was a hand full. Not only was I quick witted and sharp tongued but I also lived in a crazy house. I am willing to bet that the transition from being in charge of my house in to a setting where someone told me what and when to do things all day was not seamless.

It may have something to do with the second grade play in which I had a huge role. A role facilitated by another second grade teacher who discovered I could sing and became my champion that year. I used to wish that I was in her class and at least the play afforded me a large amount of time with her, until it was over. My role in that play would follow me for the rest of my schooling life. Even when I was graduating from high school people would still bring up that play. I did not learn until ninth grade that many of the girls in the second grade resented my part in said play. That information explained a lot about how the other girls in second grade behaved towards me.

This was also the year I got to go to Disneyland. I actually remember very little about it. My big sister, one from the United Way Big Brothers, Big Sisters program not a blood relative, was getting a divorce and we took the trip while her soon to be ex husband moved out of the house. Where I grew up you did not get divorced. You could live the most unhappy, unfulfilled, hollow life but you did not get divorced. This is actually one of the many things I love about my big sister. She could always be counted on to live her life according to her own design and naysayers be damned.

But when I think of second grade, one of the things that comes to memory first is learning to count in units. You know like by 5's, or 10's. I remember hours and days that then turned in to weeks of doing the same damn thing. We would be instructed to get out a piece of paper. Then we would fold the paper accordion style going across the width of the page making several long columns. Then we would be instructed to write out numbers using the boxes we had just created on our paper. I remember doing this so often and for so long I thought I would die of boredom.

Imagine my surprise then after this long and boring and tedious process of learning to count in units when my oldest daughter learned to count by 5's, 10's, 20's and even 100's without so much as a piece of paper or a single "lesson" on the subject.

"Spiritual"

2011-01-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest, the word spiritual is one that makes me throw up in my mouth just a little. Of course, that is a vast improvement over the reaction I used to have to the word. I am not really sure why. There are many possibilities. It could have its roots in my upbringing in a fundamentalist religion, or in my dabbling in new age philosophy. Either one is a likely culprit. One at its root was about an established organization that exerted control over the people in its congregation and the other about how people can somehow magically control the universe. Maybe it is because I have never been capable of fitting the mold that either of these ideas of spiritual would bring to my mind.

When I talked this over with my mentor some time again she laughed at me, this is a very common occurrence actually. She said, "End game is living well." It has taken me this long to really chew on that and then use it.

I am an incredibly spiritual person with a goofy, some would say, sick sense of humor. I feel being spiritual is about a continuous search for truth, a journey to ones wholeness. It is no accident that my favorite nuggets of truth right now are:

If you plant flowers in the front yard and never pick up the shit in the back yard something will start to smell.

And

You can sprinkle sugar on shit and it might sparkle but it will still be shit.

You see, I am sort of in the middle of my own "coming out." It has become too inauthentic for me to not have all the parts of me together all the time. So, yes you will begin to see posts about my ongoing and life long spiritual quest to me. And yes, they will still have swear words and a slightly off color perspective.

January 24, 2011

2011-01-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was in the kitchen with Mina today and I could feel my own tension level beginning to rise. I could hear the tone of my own voice starting to get shorter and more terse. I realized it would be a very good idea to go and take maybe 10 minutes and just sit.

I am often surprised by these moments of tension. They seem to come out of nowhere in the middle of something not tense. It has taken me a long time, years actually, to sit with them instead of either being so distracted by the tension and my judgments about it I don't do anything but go around and around in a circle of inner suffering or, notice the tension but don't do anything about it until I am a raging lunatic.

A conversation that occurred in one of my Yahoo groups came to mind. Some of the moms were talking about needing a "break" from their kids. I realized that this idea has completely transformed for me in the last year or so. There was a time I would get tense, I would not stop to deal with the tension, and then as my tension rose somehow in my actions and choices I made it my children's fault. Maybe I did not directly blame them and then sometimes through things I said and did, I did.

I understand now that my tension level has never been about my kids but about something that goes on inside me, something that if I sit down, slow my breathing, and get quiet, I can usually manage pretty successfully.

This quote came to mind: "The reality is, when you have taken total responsibility for your own reality, and you can see that the other is also responsible, then what you do is going to happen in sacred space." Spotted Eagle

I feel our family is really working on this aspect of having good relationships. My kids do not create my reality and I do not create theirs. Because my kids were not responsible for my tension, I was able to inform them of what I needed and why I needed it. My oldest daughter and I were able to have a really honest conversation about how I sometimes do not give her the space she needs and I got the opportunity to tell her I would really work on that.

Christmases Past

2010-12-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems I have been away for quite sometime. It is not that I have had nothing to write. It is that so much of it is at a level of complexity that I really need a good chunk of time and I just don't seem to have that recently. It seems more and more memories from when I was a kid are coming back. They swirl in to my consciousness at very random moments. Memories that had been sitting in the file drawer that is my brain, in some cases for decades.

The most recent memory came to me while in the car with the girls talking about Christmas. During my childhood my family was poor. I don't remember Christmas being a miserable time though. I loved to decorate, I loved the lights, and honestly that is still my favorite part of the holiday. There is one Christmas that I cannot believe I had forgotten about.

Christmas morning was long gone. I don't remember what I got or my exact age. I think I was around 7. I remember playing on the floor in the living room with my sister when there was a knock at the door. We opened the door and there stood Santa. Dressed in all his holiday regalia with a big red bag. Santa came in to our house and proceeded to pull gifts out of his bag for us. I do not remember what was in any of them. When Santa was done unloading his bag he asked us to give him a moment and went outside. He came back in with a small table and chair set. This is what I remember most. My sister and I played with that table until it literally fell apart from overuse.

As an adult, I look back and remember all the times presents were left on our doorstep on Christmas Eve. One year, a box was left on our doorstep that contained a git for each of us. I vividly recall a gorgeous watch that was left for my mom. It was made out of cloisonne in a deep burgundy and inlaid with little flowers. You had to lift a little cover to see the time on the watch. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Recalling these Christmases past makes me feel really happy inside. It humbles me and pushes me to find my own way to share my good fortune with my fellow beings.

The Long and Winding Road

2010-10-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Very few people, even those who know me well, understand the amount of anxiety I have typically lived with. The anxiety has reduced greatly over the years but there has always been a lingering amount that held the potential in any moment to rob me of quality of life and joy. In my mentor's work, I am a plane type. According to Spotted Eagle, Plane types suffer from severe abandonment issues. We believe, even if it is unconscious, that we were dropped off in a dangerous, unfair place. Truth is, even though I am not a dogmatic believer in anything, I fit this type all too well. Even though I have no set idea about whether there is a god or not or where everything came from, I can see the ripple effect of this existential decision in my life.

Going to California really was a way for me to face many of my own fears. I got to stare one of my prevailing fears in the face almost as soon as I arrived in San Francisco. Before my recent trip, I had never driven in a large metro area, let alone in a rental car. I did all the usual things, got my luggage, went to the rental car counter, and then proceeded to the rental car pick-up area. While I was waiting a black car came toward me, I felt an instantaneous, "that is my car and I do not want it." It was a very strong feeling. The rental car agent came to escort me to my car and the unease grew. I looked for a reason why I was feeling uneasy. Was it the out of state plates? The color? In the end although I could not explain why, I told the rental car agent I was not comfortable with this car and was willing to wait for another.

She took me to another car. None of the uneasiness was there. I put in my stuff, checked out and was on my way.

While at the rental car I added a GPS to my rental. It was one of the smartest things I could have done. Plug in an address and the GPS shows you and tells you exactly what to do. Upon leaving the parking garage I set out on the streets of South San Francisco and immediately made my first wrong turn. I was very glad to have the GPS because it recalculated in about 10 seconds, giving me a new route. I learned very quickly that the GPS was only helpful if I chose to listen and listen I did. The GPS had a small screen with a network of computer generated roads and a little car where you happened to be. I began to look at it like a computer game, one I wanted to win.

I proceeded through the city of San Francisco, driving over streets with names like "Beach" and "Eucalyptus". All of a sudden I found myself on the Golden Gate Bridge. Although I had printed directions before I left home, I had not looked at them. Driving over the bridge was spectacular. Having it be a surprise was awesome.

Soon, I was on smaller roads heading towards Northern California. The road was empty and the drive beautiful. Then the road began to wind back and forth like a canyon road here in Utah. I could feel my anxiety rising. Quickly, my brain offered up an alternative to being afraid, fun. I pretended the road was my own personal roller coaster. I concentrated on driving it well, paying close attention to where my car was on the road, and then had a hell of a time. By the time I arrived in Philo, where my hotel was, I had to pee really bad but had a sense of huge accomplishment, like the biggest part of the reason I came was to take that drive.

Bark

2010-10-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

I was entranced by the bark of the manzanita tree while in California. Today, a new friend posted this on Facebook.

Living in the Moment

2010-10-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

I returned from California on Saturday. I am still sort of in a daze and trying to integrate my experience with my life. I know that living what I know will take a lifetime. It is a journey. I had an experience while I was away that will be a defining point in my life going forward.

I have known for some time that my being was largely intuitive and instinctual. I have played with living from instinct and intuition and if I am present, I can feel the quality of my choices in that space. On the final day of the seminar I was attending, I decided to immerse myself in my intuition and instinct. I chose to live in each moment making no choices about what I was going to do, when I was going to go somewhere, nothing.

I got up and lived in the flow of the unfolding present. The details are not important but when prompted, I acted, I did what felt right and I trusted any insight or instinct that came to me to direct my choices.

I ended up at the sight for the seminar a full 45 minutes early. My brain kicked in for a split second, "what am I going to do here, now?" I found the present again and got out of my car and proceeded to walk down a dirt road. The seminar was at my mentor's home and she lives on top of a mountain in a quiet sanctuary of space in northern California. Up until this point, I had not walked down the road at least not very far.

I have no idea how long or far I walked. I immersed myself totally in the experience of all that was around me. The air was crisp. The trees were covered with a green moss that looked soft and felt soft to the touch. In the distance were hills and hills of grape vineyards. I came upon a tree and was nudged to climb it. This I questioned for a split second. I used my instinct and attention to guide me through the brush surrounding the tree, listening for sounds of snakes. I climbed up the tree and sat down. I sat looking at the wonders of nature all around me. Listening to the birds, trying to see who was making what call. I gazed across yet another valley where two hills full of grapevine met in a low dip. At some point I lost all consious connection with myself and my surroundings. I literally became part of the tree, and the air, and the sky. I had no idea I lost connection. I am still not sure how long I sat in that tree, maybe 20 minutes.

Suddenly, an acorn fell making a noise loud enough to bring me back to the present moment. I got my bearings and when prompted by my intuition climbed down from the tree and began ascending the road. I arrived back at my mentor's home just as the first of the other students were making it up the road to class.

October 17, 2010

2010-10-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was afraid almost to paralysis upon waking this morning and realizing today is the day I leave my family for a week. There is a short list of first happening on this trip and each one scares me enough to make the whole white hot scary. Lets see first there is the first time I am renting a car by myself, my first time driving in a big city, my first time checking in to a hotel without company of some sort, that might be all of the firsts.

So here I sit in the airport. My own anxiety dealt with and properly grounded I can't help but notice and feel the emotional lives of the other passengers. There is anxiety, excitement, and even some ho hum normalcy in there.

This is possibly the last time I will have internet connection for the week. Apparently, the area I am visiting is a 1950's throwback and I have pondered on more than one occasion what I am going to do with myself with no television, no phone in my room, and no children or pets or responsibilities to pass time with. See you all on the flip side :)

October 14, 2010

2010-10-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

We just got back form our local amusement park, Lagoon. We had a pretty good time I must say. The funniest part was, when all strapped in to a ride, Mina began to cry frantically and loudly that she had to pee. I got the two of us out real quick, gave Ari instructions to wait by the side when it was done and ran like crazy to the bathroom. It was funny even when it was happening.

Then I came home and read this post and laughed because this is exactly how I feel.

October 13, 2010

2010-10-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

“As spiritual energies living out a human existence, transformation has its seed in our deep longing to be whole. It is something which we hope will strip away the stagnant, unworkable, or merely unsatisfying. We want what is outworn to be demolished, making way for a new expression of our being, one that truly brings us joy, one that gives us the courage to make sweeping changes because the reward is so great.” Spotted Eagle

I got up this morning and read the quote above and then on it's heels this:

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be." Albert Einstein

And also this:

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." Albert Einstein

The entire past year for me has been a process of losing and emptying out. Getting rid of anything that no longer served me and who I want to be. It has been a year of much loss. There were things I purposely walked away from like my family of origin. And then there were the unforeseen changes, like the loss of all the pets John and I had before having our kids. I have some memory of what the summer last year felt like and how hard it was to keep choosing to destroy old aspects of my life.

I am just beginning to see the new aspects of my character emerge, the non-conditioned authentic parts. I am watching my opinions become secondary to understanding what other people are sharing. It is an interesting and often eye popping experience. It is not anything I am doing. Not exactly.

The conscious act of choosing to be present, especially to what I am feeling in any moment, is sometimes grueling. To me presence is about paying attention to all life has to offer. So while I have been more present to the joy, love, peace, serenity, and all the other good stuff in my life, I have also chosen to be present when the unpleasant stuff rears its head and asks to be acknowledged. This means that I have been more in touch with pain, grief, loss, and anger than at any other time in my life. The odd thing about that is that at the same time I have been in close contact with these emotions, I have been to a large degree able to not act them out. And, unlike other times in my life when I felt "like I had arrived" there is no sense of that. There is a strong sense that what I am choosing is an arduous practice that requires moment to moment vigilance and that feels good to me.

So I began the day pondering the words I quoted and then went through the day with a desire to maintain that contact with the moment to moment of what was real and while this is not always a pleasant or wonderful experience, it has become very fulfilling for me.

While I pondered the above I sat with Little Whisker who I have nicknamed my "reading buddy". He enjoys curling up on my lap in the morning and staying there as long as I will let him. Today I read the rest of a book I needed to finish for the seminar I am going to next week. It is called My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. I have enjoyed the book thoroughly and have learned more about the wiring in my brain than ever before.

Jill Bolte Taylor had a massive stroke that destroyed connections in her brain, while she was a neuro-anatomist studying the brain. The book is about her stroke and then her recovery. Today I read that the wiring in your brain is only able to hold on to any emotion for 90 seconds. That within that 90 seconds if you can let it wash over you and do only what is necessary for the situation emotions such as anger and grief will flow over and away. Of course if the emotion is one you want to hold on to, you can choose to do so by connecting in to other areas of the brain. You can essentially choose to run the loops you want to run and consciously choose to end the ones you don't.

The girls for their part have spent the day doing their stuff. More Sonic, some Scooby Doo. Then we all went to the swimming pool. I noticed something interesting. I was feeling a little less grounded than normal- not sure exactly why. I noticed that in order to maintain the tone I wanted to with my kids it was necessary for me to move away from parents who were not honoring their kids. I had never made that conscious choice before and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I could move away and just by being away from what I did not want in my life I could change the tone for us. In the past I think I have gotten carried away by the parenting of other people, either by becoming judgemental or by becoming like them. I love the idea that there are more options out there and that by remaining open and acknowledging what I am feeling about what is around me that I can just shift away.

So here we are. John has to work late because he has a lot of work to finish up before he is Mr. Mom next week. I for my part have a presentation to write, packing to do, kids to prep as much as possible, and honestly I think there is much growth to come from this experience for all of us and all our relationships. While reading on a list this morning someone had posted a statement, "Home is a feeling". This is one of the pieces of my leaving that has been causing me some anxiety. To me that feeling involves the closeness of my family. I am realizing that I have some work to do in the next couple of days analyzing what is going to make my week away from my family not grueling. There has to be a place *in* me that is home too.

October 12, 2010

2010-10-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today has been serious day of Sonic 2 and Chao raising. Ari had one Chao go from it's first life to being reincarnated which is so cool and one step closer to making the Chaos Chao she wants. I for my part of done a ton of reading and researching on her behalf, finding out how we raise these little digital creatures and how she can keep them happy and so forth.

Mina has done a little bit of everything today. Watercoloring, Kung Fu Panda, playing with Little Peoples, and one of her favorite activities cooking while unclothed.

We spent most of this evening making "sculptures" out of marshmallows and toothpicks. At least that is how we started before we moved on to licorice and small tomatoes, and anything else that could be joined by a small pointed stick. I am sure there will be more of this tomorrow.

I also am now really wanting to make caramels after watching Alton Brown explain how on Food Network. That may be a project for sometime this week depending on the kind of time we have. I need to start packing to go to California.

Now, Mina is cooking noodles with much assistance and support from yours truly and Ari is making her nightly check of all the baby chaos before bed.

October 11, 2010

2010-10-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

We were up reaaallllly late last night. Cupcake Wars led to Iron Chef and then Ari had to check in on her chaos before going to bed, just normal stuff really. We learned yesterday that depending on which character and what color chao drives you give the chao they can turn in to replicas of the characters, which we are experimenting with, err Ari is actually.

Ari began her day with Sonic and checking on her chaos again. Then she and Mina decided to be "clan cats". Mina was a pink cat with pink stripes and polka dots and Ari was a blue cat. Then Ari logged in to WoW and Mina cheered her on while she did a few things. Mostly the girls were just not getting along this morning though so I suggested we head out to a park. Since we are still in the grasp of an aphid infestation, we headed to a larger park across town.

We ended up at Liberty Park which is an incredibly cool place. I figured the water features would be off but they were not. The girls had a lot of fun walking through an area known as the seven canyons. Which of course made them both really wet and reminds me that until it is freezing cold I better be keeping towels and a change of clothes for all of us in the car.

We came home, made dinner, watched a little Scooby Doo and now I think everyone is settling in for the night.

10-10-10

2010-10-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

He he- I just could not use my date convention when numerically the day is so unique :) A friend on WoW pointed out this morning that in binary the date today added up to 42, therefore we should spend the rest of the day quoting The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Of course, I have never read the book but because I live with an uber nerd I happen to know that the answer to all questions in the universe according to the book is 42. So there you go.

Friday I took the girls to The Museum of Ancient Life. I had not known that it was the largest dinosaur museum in the world, wow. While browsing the galleries and reading the signs to my daughters an interesting feeling came over me. Although we as humans have much more advanced brains, create, use words, and many other things we are not much different than these ancient, extinct creatures. We have only a small amount more control over our environment than they did. The meteor that wiped them out completely would have been unforeseeable and unchangeable. Although a modern human might be able to detect a huge meteor coming at the planet, there is a possibility that there would be nothing one could do to stop it. And every piece of matter that made up the dinosaurs, every molecule, is a kind of molecule I have inside my own skin. It kind of put things in to perspective for me. Although human beings are a creative and incredible work of nature we are also an insignificant spec in the history of living things. It was a feeling I can't describe, although not scary. More of a feeling of being one with what is.

On Saturday, John and I attended a benefit on behalf of his employer. The benefit was for The Guadalupe Schools. What we did not know before we went was that a school is being built in our area. I went through a bunch of different emotions in a tiny frame of time. Everything from, "will the traffic in our area increase" to "what will it do to the air quality" before settling in to the idea that it was already far past the planning stage and that knowing the demographics in my area the school could do a lot of good. The Guadalupe Schools teach a mostly underprivileged, non English speaking population. They have programs for children as well as English as a second language for adults in the evening. Many of the families in our area have individuals who do not speak English. Most of the time the fathers will speak English and the kids will learn to in kindergarten and first grade. Many of the adult females speak only a tiny amount of English, if any at all.

Last night Ari and I stayed up until 2 am. Ari was playing Sonic 2 on the GameCube. I watched while Ari defeated boss after boss, occasionally looking up information on the internet to help her beat them.

This afternoon, Mina and Ari and I broke open some geodes we bought at the museum on Friday. It was amazing to see all the beautiful crystals inside. We also put a Snowflake rock we bought in vinegar. We are looking forward to what will grow on it as the vinegar evaporates. I was hoping to find info to add here on them but kids are needing me. Maybe I can put that up tomorrow.

October 6, 2010

2010-10-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had the opportunity to spend the day with good friends. Of course Mina and Ari and I were very excited to have them over. The day was spent doing the usual: trampoline, GameCube, computer games, walks around the block, impromptu games of soccer on the driveway, scootering in the house, and many other very fun things. Our friends stayed for dinner and then when they were headed home Mina was so sad to see them go. However, she fell in to a deep sleep about a half hour after they left. We hope to see them again really soon :)

Nothing goes better with cabbage...

2010-10-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

In the new version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory directed by Tim Burton there is a scene where Charlie's father comes home from work. Upon entering their home Charlie's mother inquires if he has brought anything home to add to the families evening meal. Charlie's father has brought nothing and Charlie's mother who is chopping a head of cabbage says, "Oh well, nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage."

This morning I was lamenting that I "needed to go to the store" that we had "nothing to eat". Most people in the western world have never even experienced the concept of having "nothing to eat". And yet, I can bet that most people have felt as I felt this morning. I was telling my friend that upon looking around I realized that I had a ton of food in the house. That I was focusing on what I did not have in the house and then the above scene popped in to my head as a subtle reminder of what it would really look like if I had "nothing to eat" and no way to change that material fact by just going to the store.

October 5, 2010

2010-10-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

6:30 has become my own personal witching hour. For 3 days now I have woken with a start at this same time. The other two days I also managed to wake up my kids but today I am on my own. Little Mina woke up speaking of bugs again yesterday and it was not until last night that I put all the pieces together. We are currently experiencing an aphid infestation unlike anything I have ever seen. From what I can find on the internet the center of the infestation is around 10 miles or so south of us, which makes me wonder how much worse something like this could get. We have been unable to even walk around the block without being covered in the little bugs for about a week. Then last night Mina pointed out that my unshaved legs felt pokey to her like bugs were on her, ding ding. Bugs outside coupled with something uncomfortable touching you while you sleep.

Ari started her day playing Wizard 101. This has become her new favorite. Mina mostly sat and watched her and cheered her on, it was so cute. While they did that I made breakfast and cleaned up some of the kitchen and livingroom. I have several rooms in the house that are in need of attention lest they sink completely in to disorganization.

Mina came out at one point to help me feed the kittens. The cat food container is a plastic bin about 2 feet tall and at the top it is around 2 feet wide with wheels on the bottom. Mina started riding it around the house, laying her stomach on the top and kicking off with her feet. Then Ari wanted to bring in her roller skates. We spent some time Mina riding the cat food container and Ari roller skating in the kitchen and livingroom. Then we brought in both of their scooters. Ari requested signs that said "Stop", "Go", "Parking", and even a bathroom sign for the bathroom door. While the girls scooted we put in a Halloween cd we picked up on Saturday when we got our Halloween costumes. Mina wanted to listen to the Scooby Doo theme song over and over. And then we heard the theme to The Aadams Family which got me thinking that Ari might like this little bit of tv history. So we found episodes on Hulu and she sat and watched them on the laptop for a couple of hours.

Mina and I read some of our favorite Halloween books and watched a favorite of hers Busytown.
Then we headed to the library to return some books and to pick up some pizza for dinner, since John was going to be late at work. We ended the day watching episodes of Scooby Doo.

October 4, 2010

2010-10-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Our big kid and grandma showed up at our front door at 12:30 this morning. Apparently, Ari could not sleep and grandma just decided to drive her home. But they both said they had a wonderful time and grandma seemed totally okay with driving her here. Then at 6:30 little one woke up speaking of bugs and other such things that make sleeping unpleasant. Rough start but oh well. We all went back to sleep after moving to the livingroom.

Ari woke up shortly after I did and we read the Warriors book for a bit. When Mina was up we talked about going to the museum of natural history. Ari said she would rather go to The Museum of Ancient Life and I sort of felt that was an expensive outing and was not really ready to be driving that far so we opted instead to stay home and decorate for Halloween.

Ari made specimen jars using things like plastic spiders and crushed ramen noodles coated with ketchup to make them look gooey. Then she gave them names like "Blood and Guts" and "Sun Dried Spiders" and lined them all up- they are quite spooky.

We all played on the trampoline for a bit then it looked like it might rain so we headed in to get on our rain gear to go for a walk. We went to our local park which is tiny and the only puddle we could find to jump in was at the bottom of the slide so we jumped in it. Then the girls slid through the puddle until thoroughly soaked. We proceeded around the block and then back home again to make dinner.

I made a yummy egg dish from a Rachel Ray cookbook and then ate it while watching Rachel Ray. The girls both had various things like they always do, Ari had potatoes Mina had carrots. Then they both had noodles. Then John finally made it home from work. Now, well I am wanting to head to bed and maybe the girls will be willing too :)

October 3, 2010

2010-10-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today Ari and I went to Craft Sabbath with Grandma Michele (John's mom). We had a special order to pick up from Grimmleighs and Ari had just gotten her toy money so she thought she may want to pick up some things. I found a cool shirt by White Elephant Collective. I mean seriously who does not need a shirt with owls that have mustaches? We spent some time at our favorite fountain and then we headed to Oasis and The Golden Braid Bookstore. We browsed the bookstore and picked out a few items, both Ari and I were in need of new journals and then we went and had a late lunch or early dinner however you want to look at it. On our way out of the cafe an employee I know from previous visits asked Ari if she would like a cookie. She told him she had not left room and would pass but thanks. I did not think twice about it at the time but an 8 year old passing up a cookie because they are full is pretty great self-control.

Ari wanted to show me one more thing in the bookstore and I went back in with her. She found a pen that had an eyeball top. I told her I had spent as much money as I felt good about. She kept pressing me to spend more money and I told her that I would like to look in the store with her but if we were going to keep having this discussion about buying more stuff I was going to need to leave. She walked to the back of the store and I went to sit by her. She told me she was upset that a purse she had wanted earlier had been bought and it was the only one in that color. I reminded her that she had spent all of her money at the craft show, that I had agreed to buy her a new journal and had also bought a heart shaped rock but that I thought we had spent enough- I did not feel bad about not buying everything. Part of me wanted to pressure her to leave but another part of me remembered that conflict has to be resolved in a way in which everyone keeps there power or it harms your relationship. I waited for her to be ready and all was well.

We came home and Ari made plans to sleep over at Grandma's, which is where she is right now.

October 2, 2010

2010-10-02T19:59:00.001-07:00

Our enjoyment of the Halloween season borders on crazy.

We all went as a family today to get costumes. John is going to be wolfman- his costume is pretty scary and had not only Mina but the cats all kinds of afraid. Little Whisker ran in to the sliding glass window with such force we thought he might dent it.

I am going to be a witch this year and I am pretty exited about my lovely spider jewelry and cape. Its the little things in life that get me all excited. :)

Ari is going to be Frankie Stein which is a character from a new line of toys called Monster High. We had no idea we would find a costume for Monster High but since she also collects the dolls she was really stoked. Why am I not creating a link you may ask- because if she sees I am so easily giving away her Halloween costume she may not be so excited about it.

Our dear little one, Mina bought a Tinkerbell costume but upon putting it on declared it "itchy" and will not go near it. So, I guess we will have to figure out something else or attach the wings to something less itchy or we always have that huge basket of dress-ups in the toy room.

Now I think we need to start making some more decorations and maybe a pinata as the girls are thinking they want to have a little party, Boo!

October 1, 2010

2010-10-01T22:16:00.001-07:00

Today we had an interesting jaunt to the pumpkin patch. It was hot, it was dirty, and there were horse flies who wanted and took a piece of each one of us. Did I mention we bought 8 pumpkins plus a bunch more small ones? We will be carving and carving some more.

We ended our day at a friends surprise party. It was so great and cool to be a part of a great surprise for some one I really adore. It is funny though, I am just not a party gal. I think that is what I really needed to know about myself. I love, love to spend time with other people in very small intimate gatherings, but parties, well they just don't do it for me.

I am off to read to Ari.

September 30, 2010

2010-09-30T22:41:00.001-07:00

Today we started preparing the garden for winter. It involved a lot of pulling of weeds and plants for me and a ton of playing in the mud for Mina. Ari continued her fairy house creating and we talked about going to a pumpkin patch as soon as tomorrow to get her some more supplies. The girls water colored outside and we all played trampoline games.

September 29, 2010

2010-09-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we picked and weighed our pumpkins. One was 15 pounds and the other was 7.5. We are so excited we had the opportunity to grow pumpkins this year and it would not have been possible without some lovely plants given to us by friends. We had a couple banana squash and one other squash that were not going to make it to full maturity. We picked them and Ari made fairy houses out of them using flowers and tomatillos and any thing else she could find in the garden that looked fairy like.

We made pretzels that turned out not so great, but I think I learned some valuable bread making tips for next time, which could possibly be tomorrow. We went swimming for a bit but mostly everyone seemed a little off so we headed home and ended the day watching The Princess Bride.

We watched The Princess Bride again today and I realized I have the dialogue completely memorized from watching it nearly every day the summer before I turned 16. Ari asked what the word inconceivable meant. Of course I cannot watch The Princess Bride without thinking of Elmo in Grouchland and this song by Mandy Patinkin. Love that man seriously.

September 27, 2010

2010-09-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Mina began the day with puzzles and Starfall. I began the day with a lingering sinus headache. Once Ari was up it seemed the girls were interested in bigger adventures but I knew my head was not ready for that today. Mina mentioned that she would like to go berry picking. Out of nowhere I started singing this Elmo song. So we started to pretend to go to the berry farm. We drove while laying on the bed and every once in a while the girls would yell that something was in the middle of our pretend road and we would swerve. Mina even got a chance to drive. We brought our pretend berries home and smashed them and made them in to jelly.

Ari went from our berry outing to Moshi Monsters and Zoo Tycoon. While Mina and I watched Pucca. Our entire family loves Pucca, the episodes are incredibly funny.

Ari and Mina chased the kitties around the house with some rubber rats we got for Halloween. I am not so sure the kittens liked it and soon they began to hide, GAME OVER. So we moved on to board games like Connect Four and Candyland. Ari beat me 6 times at Connect Four.

After John came home the girls nailed together some wood in the garage. Ari has plans to make a haunted house in there. We ended the day in Ari's room watching Howl's Moving Castle- everyone fell asleep but Ari so she woke me up and we went to bed.

September 26, 2010

2010-09-26T21:21:00.001-07:00

I think my mom tried to call me today. After having been down this road for awhile it has been interesting to watch how my process concerning my mom has evolved. Today, I noticed that the call had come in. I stopped myself and asked, "I feel now is not the time for engagement with my mom. Is this correct?" The answer was non engagement. I felt the nervous energy of 36 years of patterned behavior starting to reel inside of me. I acknowledged that the energy was there and I made a very conscious decision to do something useful with it. My version of useful was cuddle my kids, give my spouse a kiss, and put away the laundry. There was something still nagging at me.

I approached my sweetie and told him what was going on. I explained to him that I knew exactly what the nag was. For 36 years I was responsible for my mothers life. I made decisions in fear of what she would do if I did not make that decision. And then, I could not do it anymore and I let her know the game had changed. I really cannot blame her for having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that what she had known up until that moment was no longer gonna happen.

The nag that still sits in my subconscious is the "what if". What if she does x, or y, or z. And although I know I am only responsible for my choices, 36 years of programming is a tricky undoing.

September 25, 2010

2010-09-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Today has been a cleaning and laying around and playing kind of day. I started the day in a kind of funk. I went to get my hair cut and colored last night with the intention that I would get it as close as possible to my natural color and then stop coloring it. Well, as with most of life, color does not always do what you think it should. So, I am a bit bummed that things did not go as I expected, not sure what the grow out will now look like but committed to stopping the coloring process. Could be a frightful 6 months or so :).

The girls have played together most of the day with periods of hanging out with us in between. I have cleaned up various parts of the house. Most notably, the downstairs bathroom and laundry room. They were not on my radar but the cats changed that rather quickly. I heard a big bang from the bathroom and found a plant tipped over with dirt all over the floor. They even somehow managed to break the toilet seat. But it was really due for a cleaning and the room brightened a ton with the plant out of the window so we found it a new home. There were items to give to charity and stuff that just needed to be organized and I am a bit shocked at how clean it all looks.

We got word that John's custom Grimmleigh is almost ready and that made us all super excited.

September 23, 2010

2010-09-23T18:02:00.001-07:00

Since we ended last night with Blue Planet, I began the day looking up measurement equivalents for Ari. So we learned that some jelly fish can grow up to 100 meters in length, which is about 328 ft. Astonishing after you have seen the tiny ones at the aquarium and when you realize all that loveliness can sting you pretty bad.

Mina started her day with Busytown. Richard Scarry books were something I remember from hanging out at the neighbors when I was a kid, so her current fascination with Busytown makes me smile.

Ari went from research in to Planet Earth and watched a piece about frozen climates. Then played Dreambox for a bit.

We all ended up on the living room floor playing Littlest Pet Shops with Little People houses. The sea creatures we bought yesterday would occasionally attack the LPS and we would have to run to safety.

The girls decided to help me with some laundry. Ari stated, "I need to know how to do this because I am going to start doing chores." Well then, here we go. The girls sat on the washer and dryer while I held up articles of clothing and they told me which pile (darks, lights, whites, towels) they went on. It was kind of fun and a little crazy and I think it may have taken a lot longer than if I had done it myself but was so much more enjoyable.

Now Mina is cooking here at the counter, using phrases that crack me up because we just watched a couple cooking shows on tv. One host made a shake with vodka in it and she is saying exactly what the host did, "This will make you real comfortable." Total crack up. And just now I had a moment of oh damn, when I realized Mina used most of the tomatoes sitting on the counter while I was not looking in her "recipe". Then Ari pointed out that, "they were going to good use." which means that Mina is enjoying them and learning to cut and happy and yes she is so all is well.

September 22, 2010

2010-09-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Last night Ari threw a football for the first time. She enjoyed it so much that she said," throwing a football had overtaken both cherries and peaches" on her list of favorite things, high praise indeed.

The most exciting news of today was our new bed came. Our old bed was 8 years old and not quite big enough for a family of four who happen to share sleep. When I woke up at 8 the bed was already in the garage, taken care of by John the Awesome (that is his super-hero name). We carried that baby up the stairs tonight, no small feat. Ari was disappointed that it did not fill the whole room, which is what she had envisioned. I can't say I blame her for being a bit bummed if that is what she had in mind.

And now for a little backing up, because between bed delivery and bed making it upstairs there was plenty going on. Ari has a new routine of being up before noon and listening to books on CD. Right now she is listening to Twilight: from the Warriors New Prophecy series by Erin Hunter. Yesterday she told me, "This is so relaxing." Which of course makes me about as happy as can be.

When Ari came out to play with us she and Mina got out the Littlest Pet Shops and built them houses out of Lincoln Logs, Tinker Toys, and Blocks, all the while watching Kenny the Shark. It is really funny to me that while Ari builds her structures to be structurally sound, Mina builds hers to be pretty.

We then headed to The Living Planet Aquarium, a trip we have been wanting to make for some time. Which led us tonight to watching Blue Planet.

miscellaneous weekend ramblings

2010-09-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend our cat Rosa had to go to the vet for shots. While Ari and I waited for the vet we looked at some 3D models the vet uses to explain various diseases and conditions to people. We guessed which organs the models represented. When the vet came in we talked about the models and he pointed out one was a kidney with one side being healthy and the other being ill. It looked like fruit- one healthy and ripe the other starting to rot. He thought that was pretty funny. I love our vet. He loves our pets. He kissed Little Whisker on the head last time we went in. I admired his authenticity and honesty, kissing your has not been something I have ever seen a vet do.
Ari got her toy money on Friday. She had her eye on a Ty Girlz doll. She figured out after buying it that it connected to the internet and a game. She was pretty excited about that. The website is pretty cool. The map is based on a real globe and uses real cities and landmarks. You can choose to live in many cities around the world. When you visit the various cities they have the landmarks appropriate for that city. And if you eat in the cities they have food that would really be found in that city and an explanation of what is in it. Not expected but pleasant surprise of a bit of geography and culture in something she was already doing.

Sunday I made raspberry freezer jam out of the berries we picked last week. There was enough to fill all the freezer jam bottles and have some this wee; It is yummy. Today I made tomatillo salsa, not enough to can but enough to enjoy now.

First thing this morning Ari and I worked on some more books for her library. She has set-up a library full of her own writings in the kitchen. She made Mina a library card and has even been charging her fines.

I most confess that a good share of our Halloween decorations have been put up between yesterday and this morning and we are already making plans for the additions this year.

And I also must admit that being without a camera is really starting to stink and that a day does not go by without someone uttering the phrase, "Sure would be nice if someone had not broken the camera." And that someone who broke it was me- damn.

FaceBook

2010-09-17T04:41:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about Facebook in the last 24 hours. I have come to the conclusion that it is to be used with extreme caution. I think the access we allow other people to our lives is something to be careful with.

I had a run in with an old friend from high school that I had removed as a friend. I think the oddest thing to me about our altercation is that he seemed to believe he had a right to be my friend based on being my schoolmate 19 years ago. My life now is so different than then.

I went through FaceBook today and removed anyone who I am not related to and who I do not consider a friend right this moment. It was liberating. It does not mean I won't get posts with perspectives different than mine, but that I will only be interacting with people who I would be willing to go to lunch with. To me that is a big deal.

Sidenote

2010-09-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

Something really beautiful and magical has been happening around here. For the longest time, maybe most of my life, I had no memories of my life before 6th grade. I would have a flash here and there, I do not even remember going to Disneyland in 2nd grade even though I was the only one in my family who got to go and it would have been a huge deal.

When things with my family came to a head last year, I finally started to have memories. Only, it was more like walking in to a really horrifying movie you could not run out of than anything else. The memories made me angry. It explained all the rage that would sometimes bubble up and I would have to hold back from spewing all over my kids.

I kept moving forward, kept rethinking my perspective. I challenge myself daily to find compassion for my mom. Even as I no longer have contact with her.

Last week, Ari asked me to tell her a story about when I was little. I looked in my memory and there were stories there. Happy ones, funny ones, silly things we did, how goofy I was, so much material locked a way for so long. My mind took all those years and locked the filing cabinet. When I was willing to face the shitty stuff the other stuff came back too. I even have one very fond memory of my mom from a Christmas when I had to have been in 5th grade or so. This is actually the most wonderful thing because all my memories of my mom are so dark. I can pull that memory from my head and realize that my mom is human, capable of both kind and unkind acts just like the rest of us.

September 15, 2010

2010-09-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Ari and I started the morning with a game of Go! She always beats me. She gave me a piece of advice. "The best way to play Go! is to abandon all hope. Then you pay attention to what is happening on the board and making choices based on the present." We had a long conversation about this concept and it applicability to every day life. The concept came up several times throughout the day. Each time we laughed at the wisdom it encapsualted and how easily it could be applied to make life better.

Ari got dressed and then exclaimed, "I want to see Damek." Damek is truly her best friend. I told her that I knew Damek and his family were going to pick berries. I really wanted to pick berries too, so I tried to get a hold of my friend Julie. Since we could not get a hold of them I told Ari we could still drive to Payson and go to the berry farm with the understanding that it might end up being a nice drive and a new experience without seeing friends. We agreed we wanted to go anyway.

On the way I mentioned to Ari, "I hope we get to see friends." and she very clearly stated, "Mom, just abandon hope of that now and you will be much happier." And then we laughed. Right after that a commercial came on the radio advertising, "stories of hope" and we joked about them being about as useful as fairy tales.

We got to the berry farm and picked and the girls played for awhile but it was hot. We finally decided to head back home and stop and get some lunch. We took a long drive through back roads and talked about how much we would like to live in the middle of nowhere. Some place close enough for John to still get to work but far from neighbors and busyness.

We stopped for lunch and then were heading for home when we saw Julie pass us going toward the berry farm. We thought it was too funny just to let the moment pass and we followed her. It was so fun and amazing to accidentally run in to our friends when we had really figured we were not going to get to see them. Turns out she was a little turned around and showed her how to get to the berries and then we stayed and played and picked for a while.

We ended up bringing Damek home with us for a late over and we are going to get to play with him today too. Mina walked around the house last night telling me she "Really liked Maddie." a friend that came with them and wanted, "Maddie to come to my house."

Another development yesterday, Ari wore pants with a zipper and snap (like jeans) for almost the first time. Certainly, this was the longest she has ever worn them and she loved them. I am watching her grow and develop in so many wonderful ways. I am extremely lucky to be the mom to both of these great girls. Ari has even given me permission to start posting her pictures out here, which for her is a huge deal.

September 14, 2010

2010-09-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

The girls were both up today before 10:30. For us that is like being up at the crack of dawn. What has become the norm around here is time spent in the backyard on the trampoline and in the garden. we did that for awhile.

Ari and Mina had chosen some new clothes last week and the package came today. They were so excited to open it and sort through it. Ari found something to wear and then said, "Mom, will you brush my hair and bring me my toothbrush."

We had been meaning to go try out The Front, a local climbing gym. Ari's friend Damek had a birthday party there a couple of years ago and she really enjoyed climbing. It seems it was more fun for her with her friend. Also, the area of the gym we were in was sort of blocked off and available only to our party so it felt really secluded and safe.

We then went to Maggie Moo's for some ice cream. On the way home Mina lost it. One thing that we were expecting in our shipment of clothes that was missing was some Halloween shirts. Mina was really looking forward t getting hers, it had Hello Kitty on it. When Mina saw Old Navy she wanted to go in right now. But, she was so tired and had been struggling to maintain her composure for a few hours at that point. I knew Old Navy was not a store for such circumstance. Ari got upset at Mina for crying and I just silently drove to our house. I am sure fatigue was a huge factor, our old sleeping schedule of 2AM until Noon had just recently shifted to 10pm until 8 for Ari and 10 for Mina.

September 13, 2010

2010-09-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

I think today will be remembered by Ari as the day Little Whisker caught his own "fresh kill". We were in the backyard and the little guy stalked, then caught, and then ate a grasshopper. To be honest, I was not too excited about it and I was really hoping he would eat it. The thought of him just killing it and leaving it there bothered me. But, for Ari it was a real example of what we read about in the Warriors books we read together.

The girls spent some time gathering flowers out of the garden. I honestly had not thought of making bouquets as all the varieties of flowers in the garden are short. However, chives, nasturtium, zinnia, trumpet vine, cosmos, and alyssum make a pretty great bouquet.

We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas in the garden, thanks to my new laptop. All the while playing in the dirt, jumping on the trampoline, having tea parties, and painting.

Mina is 4

2010-09-12T11:07:00.001-07:00

I just can't believe she has gotten so big. I look at her legs in the bed and wonder where our baby went. Mina is a ball of happy sweet energy and we are so lucky to have her.

Squiddleighs and Skelanimals

2010-09-12T11:01:00.001-07:00

Ari's current collections (Ari has always been a collector) are Squiddleighs and Skelanimals. Squiddleighs are made by a local family who we love. I also own one of their Katrina dolls but with a broken camera you won't be seeing it :(. Skelanimals have the motto, "dead animals need love too". Which is right up Ari's alley.

Rosa and Little Whisker

2010-09-12T10:50:00.001-07:00

In the last 12 months we have said good-bye to 3 of our beloved pets. Our cats were both 17 years old. The girls wanted new kittens so bad but we were so not ready to have cats again. Until we met these 2 little guys.

The stripey guy is Rosa. Named by Mina who at the time was naming practically everything Rosa.

The black cat is Little Whisker. This is his apprentice name and when he grows up he will get the new name Big Whisker. (Ari is really in to the Warriors books by Erin Hunter.) Not long ago Ari told me that getting the kittens was "the best thing we had ever done in her whole life"

Leaving it on a high note...

2010-09-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just noticed I have not updated this blog since April and left it on sort of a sour note. So much has been going on. Kids are awesome, growing, learning, playing, could not ask for more. Big kids (my husband and I) are happy. We have some new furry kids, two kittens named Little Whisker and Rosa. They are settling in and I think our dog is happy to have them around. Our camera is broken- oh well. John has decided that we need a camera with a little more dropability. I am still working on uploading pics from my Mac but since Ari does not want her pics out here anyway, my motivation is LOW!! Overall, LIFE IS GOOD!!

This is the Place...

2010-04-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have lived in Utah all of my life. I think it was a good place for me as a kid. Growing up with a single mother with an undiagnosed mental illness would have been really tough in a bigger place. The little town I grew up in was a good village in the sense that people did watch out for me. There were many drawbacks, of course, but I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had been in the same circumstances in say the Bronx.

In my early adult life, I hated this place. I think it was mostly rebellion, it is very conservative. Once I freed my self from the LDS church, the animosity was greatly reduced.

I feel myself creeping back towards not liking it here. It is hard to be a quirky, non conservative family in Utah. Having a 7 year old whose interests include anime, Tim Burton, and gothic clothing and make-up does not go over too well here. I was thinking this morning, however, that I do not know if it would go over well anywhere.

Ari is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Her interests from the time she was small were out of the ordinary. When she was 2 she told me she wanted to "be evil when she grew up" and she has always had an affinity for villains. She has always had an interest in the dark side of life, the one most people totally avoid. She has always been wise well beyond her years, articulate, like parenting your grandma.

Mina is a really different kind of kid too. She has more energy than anyone I have ever met. I say that as a person who is hyperactive myself. She has a magnetic like field around her, people love her, they are drawn to her. Our friend Kyan is like that too, you meet him and you love him. I really have not seen that quality in many other kids. I like kids but this goes beyond just liking them. You want to be near them.

This morning I am trying to make peace with this place we live. Right now it is our home. I yearn sometimes for more kids for Ari to play with, but I have no proof that theses kids would materialize in a bigger or less conservative place. I also know that technology can get us some of the way there, using Skype and the like she could interact with kids who share her passions no matter where they are. I am making some plans to take her to some anime festivals this year, spending time visiting comic book and gaming stores, and researching anime we can check out from the library.

I know that in our family, we are all rather reclusive, except maybe Mina and we don't need other people a lot. But I also know what it is like to have a conversation with someone who totally gets you and who can share other views, someone you totally trust but who is not so immersed in your family's dynamic that they can't see clearly. My friend Julie does that for me all the time. I guess I long for that connection for Ari but I wonder if I am not seeing it in what she already has too.

Love it

2010-03-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy (you would not be the first) but I love it when Mina gets up every morning and asks, "Where is Daddy?" I love that she wants to see him, that she misses him, and that she knows almost instantly that he is not in the house. I love that she can ask me where her daddy is and I feel the same, that I miss him and want him here with us. I am a lucky woman, she is a lucky girl and we are the luckiest family ever.

Lost in time

2010-03-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

We spent the day playing Roblox. I typed for Ari and we talked about the sounds of the letters as we conversed with the other players. I am realizing this really is how she is learning to read and embracing it, finally getting in to the seat next to her and using the time we spend at the computer fully.

Mina has been painting almost since she got out of bed. First with tempera and then on to watercolors. With brief stints of wrestling and jumping up and down and pretending to be a ballerina.

We watched Princess Tutu and discussed plot lines and characters. Then we went to the swimming pool and pretended we were Ponyo's family from the movie Ponyo. It seems we are quite the Japanese animation fans.

I am looking back at the day and realizing that I like when the days look like this much more than when I am so driven to get things done. I have been trying to get out of bed before the girls and do laundry, clean, and workout. It can be really hard to beat them out of bed, especially with us all going to bed so late. But the effort seems to be well worth it to have easy, flowing days like these.

Who we are...

2010-01-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

You are an intelligent human being. Your life is valuable for its own sake. You are not second-class in the universe, deriving meaning and purpose from some other mind. You are not inherently evil—you are inherently human, possessing the positive rational potential to help make this a world of morality, peace and joy. Trust yourself.

–Dan Barker, from his book, Losing Faith in Faith

Blog

2009-12-31T20:30:00.000-08:00

Ari decided she wanted to blog. Her first post is up, enjoy.

Spoon me

2009-12-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

John came home last night with some new wooden spoons that we needed really bad. Mina picked one up and said, "These spoons are fantastic." And they really are. If you are in need of wooden spoons I highly recommend these.

Aspirations

2009-12-11T10:15:00.001-08:00

Ari: "Mom, some day I want to be so famous that some one asks me to sign their tongue."

What exactly is a mother to say to that?

What kind of restaurant is this?

2009-11-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

Ari and Mina were playing restaurant. Ari was the waiter and Mina was the customer.

Mina: "Can I have water?"
Ari: "I am sorry, we are all out of water."

Whatcha Doin?

2009-11-20T00:04:00.000-08:00

3 kids at our house tonight, Ari(7), Mina(3), and our friend Damek(7). All with the freedom to do pretty much what they like. What do they choose? They started the evening with some flashlight game Ari invented. Then decided to walk around the house using only the flashlight for lighting. Ever so brave I heard Ari tell Damek, "Okay, boys first." when going into an unlit room. :)

Then they scootered around the kitchen and living room area. Of course, this was only after Ari said,"Mom can you stay downstairs." After they created "soup" (I am using the term VERY loosely here) Then they went to the garage for more scootering. I happened upon Ari and Damek in the garage using the punching bag, "I am training him", Ari says with a big grin. Previously, she showed off her newly acquired jump rope skills as well.

Then in to Ari and Mina's room for a little bit of Pokemon watching. Next, Ari and Damek could be found laying on the beds opposite each other telling jokes before they moved on to drawing things. Now? Mina and John are crashed on the couch and I am watching trashy reality television(I love that junk). Ari and Damek? Well they were still drawing when I left but they are being really quiet so who knows what they might be up to now.

Dancing

2009-11-20T00:03:00.001-08:00

Mina (3) says to me tonight, "These are my ballet shoes." Then does a perfect little turn and says, "I do ballet."

Definitions and rules

2009-11-19T22:51:00.000-08:00

It seems like many people have many different interpretations of what unschooling is and what one does when they unschool. There are also many do not's that seem to be attached. Honestly, I don't really care anymore if I am doing it right, if I am following the rules, or if some unschoolers would not approach a situation in a certain way. To me what we are doing here in our home is about loving our kids. My husband and I have both noticed the sparkle in Ari's eyes that has come out of just loving her and trusting her. We have noticed the creativity and the world opening up to her as it never has before. We are noticing the trust she has in us, the ability we have to give her information while not bossing her around. Every person feels the pull toward freedom, some feel it pulling harder than others. Some people feel the pull so distinctly that they free those around them in their thirst for freedom. I honestly believe that Ari has led our family to it's best life. A place where people are respected for who they are not what they do and a place where freedom means caring about other people enough to use your freedom to help them have happy lives too.

I have the coolest husband ever

2009-11-18T08:43:00.001-08:00

So every time I turn around Miss Mina has drawn on something else in our house. As I was typing my last post she got a hold of a pen and did some lovely drawings on the couch. When I saw what she was doing I redirected her and gave her some paper. I happened to be chatting online with my husband and I told him about it and I told him I felt a little frustrated that she was ruining the couch. His take on it, "that's our kid couch more than likely we will need a new one when they are bigger anyway and we can't limit them to keep things nice that are not that important to us." Then he said, "let's get her some really big notebooks" and I added "Well we could also cover the bottom half of the walls with paper so she can draw away and we just replace the paper when it is all filled up." kjujjjkjkjkkkkjkjkkjkj (Mina is helping me) Yep, he rocks!!

Swirling

2009-11-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

I have a ton on my mind today. Everything from providing sensory input to a 3 year old who needs a lot of it to how to set workable boundaries with my mother. And then add to that Christmas cards and my upcoming trip to New York and Thanksgiving that I need to make a menu for. Plus, the sleep habits of a vampirical 7 year old and the lack of sleep today from staying up with said 7 year old only to have the previously mentioned 3 year old uncharacteristically up at 8. then there is the Christmas list for friends and loved ones and I know it is a major no no but I am also starting my holiday decorations. Since I am going to be gone 4 days in December, I want to get stuff up before I leave. And lastly, vision boards and goal setting for the next fabulous year of our lives.

I have a phone call with my mentor on Friday and I am really excited to get back in touch with her. I also have been thinking a lot about a vision boarding session with friends. There is something about cutting up magazines, pasting, and such that screams "call all the mama's" Maybe I will be able to hold off on this project until I can set up a time to get all my gal's together and maybe not.

Pyramid

2009-11-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year when Ari busted us on Santa my husband and I had a little chat. We decided that seeing as we were not religious and Ari no longer believed in Santa we would just do things our own way.

When I was in college, my roommate was a Jehovah's Witness. I am not keen on organized religion but what I liked about her religion was their outlook on gift giving. Since they did not celebrate holidays they would give gifts whenever they felt like it. My roommate would come home on any given day and give me a present. I liked that not only was it a pleasant surprise but that also it seemed to reduce the anxiety involved in gift giving a great deal.

With agreement by Ari we have taken this idea and implemented it in our lives. I personally love it. The girls got some new things right around Halloween, a marble run, some Pink Panther movies, and such. Then last night Ari asked if she could have a Playmobil Egyptian Pyramid. Ari has been in to Egypt for as long as I can remember. I took a look at our budget and we had the money. I talked to John about it and he agreed that we would just go pick it up today.

I really had not expected the amount of pieces it would come in. Of course, there is no way a large pyramid could have fit in the box I bought but I kind of tuned that part out until I got it home and we opened it up. Another thing I was not expecting was the gusto with which Ari set about building it. I never figured that part in to the whole value of buying it in the first place. She pulled out the parts and the instructions and went for it. Eventually, she got sidetracked by the little people that came with it and asked me to finish but not before completing about a third of it by herself.

Wide open space

2009-11-11T13:23:00.001-08:00

I am not sure what has changed whether it be my heart or maybe my mind. I cannot be certain it happened over time or just catalyzed in one major event. Somehow, for some reason, a huge part of me gets unschooling in a way that I did not before. I know that these huge changes have come about partially because of joyless, loveless, and unwanted decisions made by other people over the course of the last 6 months. Decisions that somehow set me free in a way I could have never planned or believed until I am now seeing it for myself.

I am noticing thoughts that were not there before, thoughts I have no control over. Things like, "Wow, look at that beautiful mess." and "I think I want to clean up the girls' room because they might need the space to play in." Surprising notions like, "Look at how they just used those straws and all the pantry supplies. I am so lucky to have such creative kids." And, the craziest thing about it is I am not controlling my tone. Not forcing myself to be positive about finding 500 straws on the floor. Not looking at the bright side when I realize that I can't find the livingroom floor for the Little People's that are playing with gourds and Polly Pockets and My Little Pony's. It is not fake it till you make it. The philosophy is starting to sink in. The idea that life is mess and work on joy and love and creativity is starting to take root on some fundamental cellular level.

Today, I am grateful for the folks who unknowingly set me free. Who pushed the last button and tried to pull the last string. You may never understand the gift you have given me.

While getting Arceus...

2009-11-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

Today we went to Toys R Us to get our free Pokemon Arceus. As we walked in the door a man walked in at the same time, coming to do the same thing. We went to the gaming area together and he walked us through getting our Pokemon. Then Ari struck up a conversation with him. This is the part of the conversation I understood:

Ari: "Hey Dude, do you have Uxie?"
Man: "Yah"
Ari: "Do you have the blue plates?"
Man: "Yah, I totally put them on, that was so cool."

Then they totally lost me. I have no idea who Uxie is or what the blue plates do but apparently Ari does and can have an intelligent conversation about it. I love those times when I recognize that I am the most ignorant person in earshot about a topic, it reminds me "educated" is a relative term.

I could not say it better than this...

2009-11-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

Anne O says it so well it brought tears to my eyes. Yes, yes, and yes and many more where those came from. Thanks Anne.

Angels and Demons

2009-11-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

Ari: "Mom, I like your new shirt. It kind of looks like an angel."
Me: (jokingly) "That is because I am an angel."
Ari: (very thoughtfully) "No mom, you are more like a demon."
Me: (laughing) "Hey thanks Ari, I think I would rather be that anyway."
Ari: (smile and walks away)

Manners

2009-10-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

John: Mina do you want to put some clothes on?

Mina: Um, no thanks!

That my friends is a free child.

Same old story

2009-10-06T16:52:00.001-07:00

How many times has the same old story been told. Which one you ask? I was watching Disney Channel with the girls. There was a preview for a new Corbin Bleu movie. The basic story is about a kid who loves to race motorbikes. His family does not see this as a useful pastime. I am guessing the story line goes something like he finally proves he is good enough to make a go at racing and his parents back off and realize they were wrong.

I knew a guy in high school who was passionate about music. He was always reading industry mags, collecting rare music, and trying to find any dj gig he could get his hands on. He is now a dj.

It is easy sometimes to not see what our kids are interested in as "productive" or to even question where it might lead should we actually let them spend hours at certain pursuits every day. However, I am coming to realize that life is kind of peculiar like that. What may seem like a sideline or a momentary hobby could actually end up being their lifelong passion. I am realizing that the more I trust, facilitate my kids learning, and pursue what makes me happy, the more my family is happy and the more my kids grow and learn.

Our family movie will be different. It will be about support, acceptance, and appreciation of our differences and passions.