U=Undisputed

This weekend John and I were having an animated discussion in the kitchen. The topic at hand, a George Foreman Grill. Ari called in from the living room, "Are you guys fighting?" We responded that no we were not, we just had differing opinions. I told her that I could certainly understand her dad's love for bacon and that was driving his desire for a George Foreman Grill. John said he could understand my need to not have spaces I have recently freed from clutter taken up by an appliance that all he wants to do with it is cook bacon.

Ari said, "Well it sounds like you are fighting and I don't like it." I think we both wanted to respond with some snarky comment about how we get to listen to her and her sister fight all the time. However, what we both told her, was that disagreement was a very good thing. When two people can disagree and still communicate well, things get better and better. No one feels trampled, decisions are carefully weighed, points of view are shared and perspectives are broadened.

Ari's immediate response was that her fighting with her sister was a good thing too. We agreed, in principle. We explained to her that we felt it was our job to teach her and her sister how to disagree well, using ground rules and respect for each other and the ways we all differ. She seemed interested so we told her we thought the ground rules were no name calling, no violence, and active listening. And we welcomed her to come up with other ground rules if they led to productive disagreement.

In this entire conversation, I could not help but think about an article that has crossed my attention at least 4 times in the past week. Teaching kids to have disputes even with parents using ground rules and a desire to understand and make things better is a good thing.

In the end, we still do not own a George Foreman Grill and John and I both agree that a pan and a broiler will work nicely. We both ended up getting what we wanted and because the dispute was settled respectfully, no one is stewing or waiting to throw it back at the other party. Hopefully, the girls can learn a thing or two from their dad and I disagreeing and maybe we need to do it within earshot of them more often.
(John, lover of his girls, bacon, and Warcraft)

T= Time teller

In the book Built to Last by Jim Collins and Jerry Porras, they talk about two different kinds of leaders who build great companies. A time teller is someone who builds a great company through the sheer power of will. They tend to be charismatic and demanding and although they create a great company, the company generally flounders upon their exit or death.

The other kind of leader is a clock maker. They build companies with a good solid base of principles. They can be charismatic but often are not. The companies they build are resilient and can bounce back from years of not doing very well.

I could not help but start to form the idea that families function in this same way as well. It got me wondering if I as a parent am a time teller or a clock maker. And, if I am a time teller, how do I shift over to being a clock maker instead? What attitudes would I need to change, what choices would have to be made differently? Am I building a principle based life that can bring our children a greater possibility of success long after their father and I are gone?

S=Stepping through...

This article from Discovery News relates some of the research being done on memory. Not surprisingly, research has found that moving from one space to another results in a loss of memory about what a person was doing or looking at in the previous room. I have thought about this article a lot since I first read it. What may seem like a vexing human challenge at first glance, might be an incredible boon for forgetting things all of us want to leave behind.

The research explains that even walking through a virtual door had this effect of clearing memory. It seems to me that a person could actively choose to use doorways as a way of clearing memory of unuseful things like ideas or events that have been fully processed and serve no good purpose but to hang out and drag a person back in to the muck. A person might be able to use an imagined doorway to leave behind what no longer serves them.

An end of a year could also be an important symbolic doorway. What if we chose to leave some things on the other side as we walk through that door? Each new day could be a doorway. An opportunity to glean the important lessons from the day and then walk through to a brand new one.

R=Rebellion

I have thought a lot in the past couple of weeks about the Occupy movement. I know very little about the movement and have not really been interested in seeking further information. Last week, driving in the car alone past the park in our city that housed the occupiers I realized something. So much of the life our family is living is a protest.

For years, I have known people who around this time of year choose a word of focus for the next year, without ever feeling compelled to do so myself. This time, the word JOY found me and I knew it would be my focus for my choices in the coming months.

Everything came together when I found this quote: "The greatest expression of rebellion is joy." Joss Whedon. My personal occupy movement is to own and live JOY.

Q=Quiet

If I am lucky enough to be up before the kids and I am also so fortunate as to still have dark outside, the only thing I want to do is stand in the kitchen or sit on the floor and stare at this...

P= Past, present, and perspective

Up until 2 years ago I remembered very little of my childhood. When I first started to remember things, I wanted to stop. The memories were mostly bad. Then other memories started to rise up too. Happy ones. Ones that would make me giggle. Memories that would transport me back to my grandpa's farm, or the creek we played in near our house, or my brother taking me for rides on his bike. Then, the bad memories did not have such a powerful affect, because there was something to balance them with.

I really have no control over when a memory will arise. Last week, I had a very powerful memory from a past Christmas. One that knocked me on my ass for a bit. A memory that made me weep and one that explained so many of the things that I often feel this time of year. Around the same time a friend on Facebook posted a quote the gist of which is "You can't control whether or not winter comes but you can control what you plant in the spring". This gave me an idea.

I started to think of life, my life, like a movie. This is my movie and I get to choose. Not every scene that is shot makes it in to the final movie. That does not mean it was never shot, it just means that somehow it did not fit in to the final product and ended up on the cutting room floor to be discarded. I decided that I would much rather remember Mina toasting marshmallows over a candle, or Ari jumping up and down for joy over a new discovery. I decided that I now have so many good scenes to replace these other ones with, even the ones that have not risen out of my memory yet. And that once I feel the memory and look at the pattern it may have to show me, I am going to replace it.

This does not mean I am going to start denying the material facts of where I have been. I actually have lived in that reality and it is not a better place. It means, I am going to focus my energy on elevating my own perspective. On actively choosing to stop seeing the world through the lens that was created in my head so long ago and to move in to a frame of mind where any scene can be cut and replaced with something more beneficial to living a better life.

O=Onward

In the past couple of weeks I have been given many wonderful opportunities to stop, look, listen and evaluate. Even the yucky stuff has given me some space and reason to pause and revisit what we are doing in our home and most importantly...WHY?

Ari has had many moments lately to shine, such a beaming brilliant shine. So much joy and happiness pouring out of her, it is magic to watch.

I feel I know Mina better lately. I understand her better. Although, I am a long way from the relationship I want to have with her, we are finally on the right track. She is starting to show her physical, adventurous side. She is such a happy child, always giggling and making jokes.

Just today we had a situation that could have gone badly. One where my husband and I could have handled with our logical brains and instead we both chose to use our intuition and empathy. And tonight, only Ari is home while Mina stays at her cousins and everyone is so happy about it. Several times tonight Ari has told us how much she loves us and I feel good about where Mina is at and who she is with and imagine she is getting along well there.

Life is really quite simple and effortless when I can get my head out of the way. When I can live with the fact that I don't know why something feels right, it just feels right. This is the same way we found ourselves on the life path we are now on. I cannot give anyone facts or figures or a logical reason why this is the right path for our family. Although, over time, many pieces of information give me a good idea that we have chosen well for us.

This idea that we have chosen well "for us" has been sinking in lately. That what I felt so strongly when it was time for Ari to go to school, the feeling that school would not be the right place for her, was simply not what everyone feels. And, as I view my friends and families lives from the outside looking in it is so important to not value or de-value their experience in some comparative way to our families. Each life is a different experience, as all human lives should be.