September 26, 2010

I think my mom tried to call me today. After having been down this road for awhile it has been interesting to watch how my process concerning my mom has evolved. Today, I noticed that the call had come in. I stopped myself and asked, "I feel now is not the time for engagement with my mom. Is this correct?" The answer was non engagement. I felt the nervous energy of 36 years of patterned behavior starting to reel inside of me. I acknowledged that the energy was there and I made a very conscious decision to do something useful with it. My version of useful was cuddle my kids, give my spouse a kiss, and put away the laundry. There was something still nagging at me.

I approached my sweetie and told him what was going on. I explained to him that I knew exactly what the nag was. For 36 years I was responsible for my mothers life. I made decisions in fear of what she would do if I did not make that decision. And then, I could not do it anymore and I let her know the game had changed. I really cannot blame her for having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that what she had known up until that moment was no longer gonna happen.

The nag that still sits in my subconscious is the "what if". What if she does x, or y, or z. And although I know I am only responsible for my choices, 36 years of programming is a tricky undoing.