January 24, 2011

I was in the kitchen with Mina today and I could feel my own tension level beginning to rise. I could hear the tone of my own voice starting to get shorter and more terse. I realized it would be a very good idea to go and take maybe 10 minutes and just sit.

I am often surprised by these moments of tension. They seem to come out of nowhere in the middle of something not tense. It has taken me a long time, years actually, to sit with them instead of either being so distracted by the tension and my judgments about it I don't do anything but go around and around in a circle of inner suffering or, notice the tension but don't do anything about it until I am a raging lunatic.

A conversation that occurred in one of my Yahoo groups came to mind. Some of the moms were talking about needing a "break" from their kids. I realized that this idea has completely transformed for me in the last year or so. There was a time I would get tense, I would not stop to deal with the tension, and then as my tension rose somehow in my actions and choices I made it my children's fault. Maybe I did not directly blame them and then sometimes through things I said and did, I did.

I understand now that my tension level has never been about my kids but about something that goes on inside me, something that if I sit down, slow my breathing, and get quiet, I can usually manage pretty successfully.

This quote came to mind: "The reality is, when you have taken total responsibility for your own reality, and you can see that the other is also responsible, then what you do is going to happen in sacred space." Spotted Eagle

I feel our family is really working on this aspect of having good relationships. My kids do not create my reality and I do not create theirs. Because my kids were not responsible for my tension, I was able to inform them of what I needed and why I needed it. My oldest daughter and I were able to have a really honest conversation about how I sometimes do not give her the space she needs and I got the opportunity to tell her I would really work on that.