The Long and Winding Road

Very few people, even those who know me well, understand the amount of anxiety I have typically lived with. The anxiety has reduced greatly over the years but there has always been a lingering amount that held the potential in any moment to rob me of quality of life and joy. In my mentor's work, I am a plane type. According to Spotted Eagle, Plane types suffer from severe abandonment issues. We believe, even if it is unconscious, that we were dropped off in a dangerous, unfair place. Truth is, even though I am not a dogmatic believer in anything, I fit this type all too well. Even though I have no set idea about whether there is a god or not or where everything came from, I can see the ripple effect of this existential decision in my life.

Going to California really was a way for me to face many of my own fears. I got to stare one of my prevailing fears in the face almost as soon as I arrived in San Francisco. Before my recent trip, I had never driven in a large metro area, let alone in a rental car. I did all the usual things, got my luggage, went to the rental car counter, and then proceeded to the rental car pick-up area. While I was waiting a black car came toward me, I felt an instantaneous, "that is my car and I do not want it." It was a very strong feeling. The rental car agent came to escort me to my car and the unease grew. I looked for a reason why I was feeling uneasy. Was it the out of state plates? The color? In the end although I could not explain why, I told the rental car agent I was not comfortable with this car and was willing to wait for another.

She took me to another car. None of the uneasiness was there. I put in my stuff, checked out and was on my way.

While at the rental car I added a GPS to my rental. It was one of the smartest things I could have done. Plug in an address and the GPS shows you and tells you exactly what to do. Upon leaving the parking garage I set out on the streets of South San Francisco and immediately made my first wrong turn. I was very glad to have the GPS because it recalculated in about 10 seconds, giving me a new route. I learned very quickly that the GPS was only helpful if I chose to listen and listen I did. The GPS had a small screen with a network of computer generated roads and a little car where you happened to be. I began to look at it like a computer game, one I wanted to win.

I proceeded through the city of San Francisco, driving over streets with names like "Beach" and "Eucalyptus". All of a sudden I found myself on the Golden Gate Bridge. Although I had printed directions before I left home, I had not looked at them. Driving over the bridge was spectacular. Having it be a surprise was awesome.

Soon, I was on smaller roads heading towards Northern California. The road was empty and the drive beautiful. Then the road began to wind back and forth like a canyon road here in Utah. I could feel my anxiety rising. Quickly, my brain offered up an alternative to being afraid, fun. I pretended the road was my own personal roller coaster. I concentrated on driving it well, paying close attention to where my car was on the road, and then had a hell of a time. By the time I arrived in Philo, where my hotel was, I had to pee really bad but had a sense of huge accomplishment, like the biggest part of the reason I came was to take that drive.

Bark

I was entranced by the bark of the manzanita tree while in California. Today, a new friend posted this on Facebook.

Living in the Moment

I returned from California on Saturday. I am still sort of in a daze and trying to integrate my experience with my life. I know that living what I know will take a lifetime. It is a journey. I had an experience while I was away that will be a defining point in my life going forward.

I have known for some time that my being was largely intuitive and instinctual. I have played with living from instinct and intuition and if I am present, I can feel the quality of my choices in that space. On the final day of the seminar I was attending, I decided to immerse myself in my intuition and instinct. I chose to live in each moment making no choices about what I was going to do, when I was going to go somewhere, nothing.

I got up and lived in the flow of the unfolding present. The details are not important but when prompted, I acted, I did what felt right and I trusted any insight or instinct that came to me to direct my choices.

I ended up at the sight for the seminar a full 45 minutes early. My brain kicked in for a split second, "what am I going to do here, now?" I found the present again and got out of my car and proceeded to walk down a dirt road. The seminar was at my mentor's home and she lives on top of a mountain in a quiet sanctuary of space in northern California. Up until this point, I had not walked down the road at least not very far.

I have no idea how long or far I walked. I immersed myself totally in the experience of all that was around me. The air was crisp. The trees were covered with a green moss that looked soft and felt soft to the touch. In the distance were hills and hills of grape vineyards. I came upon a tree and was nudged to climb it. This I questioned for a split second. I used my instinct and attention to guide me through the brush surrounding the tree, listening for sounds of snakes. I climbed up the tree and sat down. I sat looking at the wonders of nature all around me. Listening to the birds, trying to see who was making what call. I gazed across yet another valley where two hills full of grapevine met in a low dip. At some point I lost all consious connection with myself and my surroundings. I literally became part of the tree, and the air, and the sky. I had no idea I lost connection. I am still not sure how long I sat in that tree, maybe 20 minutes.

Suddenly, an acorn fell making a noise loud enough to bring me back to the present moment. I got my bearings and when prompted by my intuition climbed down from the tree and began ascending the road. I arrived back at my mentor's home just as the first of the other students were making it up the road to class.

October 17, 2010

I was afraid almost to paralysis upon waking this morning and realizing today is the day I leave my family for a week. There is a short list of first happening on this trip and each one scares me enough to make the whole white hot scary. Lets see first there is the first time I am renting a car by myself, my first time driving in a big city, my first time checking in to a hotel without company of some sort, that might be all of the firsts.

So here I sit in the airport. My own anxiety dealt with and properly grounded I can't help but notice and feel the emotional lives of the other passengers. There is anxiety, excitement, and even some ho hum normalcy in there.

This is possibly the last time I will have internet connection for the week. Apparently, the area I am visiting is a 1950's throwback and I have pondered on more than one occasion what I am going to do with myself with no television, no phone in my room, and no children or pets or responsibilities to pass time with. See you all on the flip side :)

October 14, 2010

We just got back form our local amusement park, Lagoon. We had a pretty good time I must say. The funniest part was, when all strapped in to a ride, Mina began to cry frantically and loudly that she had to pee. I got the two of us out real quick, gave Ari instructions to wait by the side when it was done and ran like crazy to the bathroom. It was funny even when it was happening.

Then I came home and read this post and laughed because this is exactly how I feel.

October 13, 2010

“As spiritual energies living out a human existence, transformation has its seed in our deep longing to be whole. It is something which we hope will strip away the stagnant, unworkable, or merely unsatisfying. We want what is outworn to be demolished, making way for a new expression of our being, one that truly brings us joy, one that gives us the courage to make sweeping changes because the reward is so great.” Spotted Eagle

I got up this morning and read the quote above and then on it's heels this:

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be." Albert Einstein

And also this:

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." Albert Einstein

The entire past year for me has been a process of losing and emptying out. Getting rid of anything that no longer served me and who I want to be. It has been a year of much loss. There were things I purposely walked away from like my family of origin. And then there were the unforeseen changes, like the loss of all the pets John and I had before having our kids. I have some memory of what the summer last year felt like and how hard it was to keep choosing to destroy old aspects of my life.

I am just beginning to see the new aspects of my character emerge, the non-conditioned authentic parts. I am watching my opinions become secondary to understanding what other people are sharing. It is an interesting and often eye popping experience. It is not anything I am doing. Not exactly.

The conscious act of choosing to be present, especially to what I am feeling in any moment, is sometimes grueling. To me presence is about paying attention to all life has to offer. So while I have been more present to the joy, love, peace, serenity, and all the other good stuff in my life, I have also chosen to be present when the unpleasant stuff rears its head and asks to be acknowledged. This means that I have been more in touch with pain, grief, loss, and anger than at any other time in my life. The odd thing about that is that at the same time I have been in close contact with these emotions, I have been to a large degree able to not act them out. And, unlike other times in my life when I felt "like I had arrived" there is no sense of that. There is a strong sense that what I am choosing is an arduous practice that requires moment to moment vigilance and that feels good to me.

So I began the day pondering the words I quoted and then went through the day with a desire to maintain that contact with the moment to moment of what was real and while this is not always a pleasant or wonderful experience, it has become very fulfilling for me.

While I pondered the above I sat with Little Whisker who I have nicknamed my "reading buddy". He enjoys curling up on my lap in the morning and staying there as long as I will let him. Today I read the rest of a book I needed to finish for the seminar I am going to next week. It is called My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. I have enjoyed the book thoroughly and have learned more about the wiring in my brain than ever before.

Jill Bolte Taylor had a massive stroke that destroyed connections in her brain, while she was a neuro-anatomist studying the brain. The book is about her stroke and then her recovery. Today I read that the wiring in your brain is only able to hold on to any emotion for 90 seconds. That within that 90 seconds if you can let it wash over you and do only what is necessary for the situation emotions such as anger and grief will flow over and away. Of course if the emotion is one you want to hold on to, you can choose to do so by connecting in to other areas of the brain. You can essentially choose to run the loops you want to run and consciously choose to end the ones you don't.

The girls for their part have spent the day doing their stuff. More Sonic, some Scooby Doo. Then we all went to the swimming pool. I noticed something interesting. I was feeling a little less grounded than normal- not sure exactly why. I noticed that in order to maintain the tone I wanted to with my kids it was necessary for me to move away from parents who were not honoring their kids. I had never made that conscious choice before and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I could move away and just by being away from what I did not want in my life I could change the tone for us. In the past I think I have gotten carried away by the parenting of other people, either by becoming judgemental or by becoming like them. I love the idea that there are more options out there and that by remaining open and acknowledging what I am feeling about what is around me that I can just shift away.

So here we are. John has to work late because he has a lot of work to finish up before he is Mr. Mom next week. I for my part have a presentation to write, packing to do, kids to prep as much as possible, and honestly I think there is much growth to come from this experience for all of us and all our relationships. While reading on a list this morning someone had posted a statement, "Home is a feeling". This is one of the pieces of my leaving that has been causing me some anxiety. To me that feeling involves the closeness of my family. I am realizing that I have some work to do in the next couple of days analyzing what is going to make my week away from my family not grueling. There has to be a place *in* me that is home too.

October 12, 2010

Today has been serious day of Sonic 2 and Chao raising. Ari had one Chao go from it's first life to being reincarnated which is so cool and one step closer to making the Chaos Chao she wants. I for my part of done a ton of reading and researching on her behalf, finding out how we raise these little digital creatures and how she can keep them happy and so forth.

Mina has done a little bit of everything today. Watercoloring, Kung Fu Panda, playing with Little Peoples, and one of her favorite activities cooking while unclothed.

We spent most of this evening making "sculptures" out of marshmallows and toothpicks. At least that is how we started before we moved on to licorice and small tomatoes, and anything else that could be joined by a small pointed stick. I am sure there will be more of this tomorrow.

I also am now really wanting to make caramels after watching Alton Brown explain how on Food Network. That may be a project for sometime this week depending on the kind of time we have. I need to start packing to go to California.

Now, Mina is cooking noodles with much assistance and support from yours truly and Ari is making her nightly check of all the baby chaos before bed.