O=Onward

In the past couple of weeks I have been given many wonderful opportunities to stop, look, listen and evaluate. Even the yucky stuff has given me some space and reason to pause and revisit what we are doing in our home and most importantly...WHY?

Ari has had many moments lately to shine, such a beaming brilliant shine. So much joy and happiness pouring out of her, it is magic to watch.

I feel I know Mina better lately. I understand her better. Although, I am a long way from the relationship I want to have with her, we are finally on the right track. She is starting to show her physical, adventurous side. She is such a happy child, always giggling and making jokes.

Just today we had a situation that could have gone badly. One where my husband and I could have handled with our logical brains and instead we both chose to use our intuition and empathy. And tonight, only Ari is home while Mina stays at her cousins and everyone is so happy about it. Several times tonight Ari has told us how much she loves us and I feel good about where Mina is at and who she is with and imagine she is getting along well there.

Life is really quite simple and effortless when I can get my head out of the way. When I can live with the fact that I don't know why something feels right, it just feels right. This is the same way we found ourselves on the life path we are now on. I cannot give anyone facts or figures or a logical reason why this is the right path for our family. Although, over time, many pieces of information give me a good idea that we have chosen well for us.

This idea that we have chosen well "for us" has been sinking in lately. That what I felt so strongly when it was time for Ari to go to school, the feeling that school would not be the right place for her, was simply not what everyone feels. And, as I view my friends and families lives from the outside looking in it is so important to not value or de-value their experience in some comparative way to our families. Each life is a different experience, as all human lives should be.

N=Not Natural

This morning while doing laundry, I found a ladybug in the hamper. I picked it up and said, "You don't belong here." and then proceeded to release it in to a proper environment. Funny enough, I had been thinking all morning about community, belonging, and the environments we might find ourselves in as people.

I recently started a knitting class. I enjoy knitting and I like to learn new things. But I don't really look forward to the class. I was pondering this idea when I realized that for me sitting in a room for two hours with people I don't really know making small talk is about as close to hell as I can get. I am a social person but I am the kind of social that says, "Hi" and "Good Bye" with very little else in between. For this reason I love running on my local trail. I love running by people, many of them the same people I see day in and day out and making pleasantries. I would probably make a damn fine greeter at Wal Mart.

I tend to exist most happily on the two extremes of social interaction. If it is brief and shallow great, if it is a meeting of souls who can really talk to each other fabulous. I also have endless time to listen to a person who is passionate about what they do, or about a hobby they have. I don't have to enjoy the same things but if another person is passionate about what they are speaking of, I can listen and interact for a very long time.

I could take in these realizations and continue to push myself in to environments that do not fulfill me. Kind of like taking my little friend the ladybug and making her a cozy home in the laundry room. I could probably keep her alive. She might survive her time in my basement. But the real question is, would she thrive and although I am not sure what capacity an insect has for such things, would she be happy?

M=Making the Most Of It

My friend Kellee sent out a challenge this week and the timing could not have been more perfect. With the changes in the weather, school back in session, and the coming holiday season, I feel now is a good time to assess where we are at, where we would like to go, and possible plans for getting there. Here are 10 of my personal "To-Do's" for the coming months:

1. Yoga- My daily practice whittled down to a never practice during the summer and it is time to get back to it.

2. Learning- Not that I am not learning all the time but I want to add some more structured class time learning to my agenda for the fall. First up, knitting socks through community education.

3.Budget- I have been playing with our family budget this summer but feel it is time to challenge myself to find ways to use money more efficiently.

4. Facebook- It is time once again to lower my overall computer time and Facebook is always a good starting place for me to lower screen minutes.

5. Play More- The girls are young, they will not be this young forever. Now is the time, here is the place, and fun is on the agenda.

6. Scare myself- Halloween is around the corner but this challenge is not about spooks. I have always been a nervous, slightly fearful person. I have found the best way to overcome that is to push myself to do things that scare me.

7. Mess it up- This one goes along with #5. Life is messy. It can always be cleaned up again.

8. Invest in friendships- Now that I am no longer hanging on in life by my fingernails I have the energy to invest in good friends.

9. Alone time with my kidlets- One on one time with both of our girls helps me to get to know them better. It gives me the ability to just say "yes" to whatever it is that particular little person wants to do, or mostly yes without having a compromise session balancing multiple needs.

10. Alone time with my sweetie- Our kids are bigger now. We have a few more babysitting options like grandma and cousins. John and I started this adventure together and will be here when the littles head out the door for the wide world. Now seems like a good time to catch up and maybe go for a walk or two sans children.

Well, there you have it. Thanks for issuing a challenge Kellee and the reward surely offered incentive.

L=Life is...

Yesterday I got out of bed, leashed the dog, and headed out the door for our morning exercise. Lately, this ritual has been happening later and later because of the changing time of sunrise. As the time has gotten later it has forced me to rush more and consider time more carefully as it is necessary for me to be home for John to head out to work. The rushing has been getting to me and as soon as I got on the trail to run yesterday I could hear a little grumpy voice in my head cursing the changing seasons. My inner curmudgeon said, "I hate it when the seasons change." and then I began to laugh out loud.

Truth is, I love fall. I love the changing of the leaves and the crispness in the air after all the heat. I love apples and cinnamon and harvest festivals. I love this time of year and how it nudges me back towards my home and family. I adore the unexplainable desire to cuddle with my kids and husband and cocoon ourselves in the joys of home.

Okay then, if I don't hate fall or the changing of the seasons what is my inner curmudgeon going on about? Aha, the real issue here is I know once again I have to change things up. I have to find a new solution for the dog and I getting exercise. The direction of my energy moved to the task at hand. What are all the options for meeting this need? I made a short mental list and then whenever I found another solution I added it to the list. Next thing to do, try the things on the list, be ready for some of them not to work, find a working solution and then be ready to abandon that one if and when it no longer works, like when the seasons change again.

Life is change. Really that about sums it up doesn't it? And the quality of life seems to be directly related to how well a person can manage change and find workable solutions that meet every ones needs. Cursing change, as I was starting to do, is pointless and a waste of energy. Energy that can be used to find new solutions and opportunities, making our lives richer and more joyful.

K=Kindness

When I was a little girl my sister and I shared a bedroom. We had twin size beds with red metal frames with bars all along the headboard and footboard. Both of our beds were on wheels. Every night we would go in to our room and we would be very, very quiet but we would not go to sleep. Without making any noise we would push our little beds together and begin to put all of our stuffed animals and dolls around the edges.

I remember either having a discussion or just the mental thought process of working out where the toys would go. I wanted to sleep with the toys but not suffocate them and I wanted each and every one of my toys to know how much I loved it. I determined that my only option was to sleep in the middle of the bed without covers so I could make sure the stuffed beings could have what they needed. I had to sacrifice for their needs. Something strikes me really hard when I write this story today. At the age of 5 I was already utterly and dangerously co-dependent.

I went along continuing to behave in this pattern until just 2 years ago. At that time I made a huge and fairly drastic life decision. The first 3 days I just cried. After that it was 2 years of remembering and digging through, falling down and getting up. I spent long bike rides pulling apart my own thinking and hours on the phone with my mentor Jennie. When I got hung up I called my husband and asked him to remind me how bad things were before I made the decision to change my own life. My good friend Julie got to hear my rants or my sobs more than once. Other people knew nothing, could not possibly understand that the me on the outside was barely holding things together while the me on the inside completely fall apart.

That was scary, probably the most scary thing, watching me fall apart and just having to have faith that somehow, someway I was heading in the right direction.

Step by step, that little girl learned that love contains respect, that healthy people have boundaries (not to be confused with walls my friends) that taking care of your own needs has to come first and only leaves you more able to take care of those that depend on you. That little girl learned that when whole people come together magic and beauty and joy light up our lives, even in the midst of chaos and destruction.

Most importantly, I learned that kindness is not something we do. It can be something we do, but first it is something we feel. Kindness comes from an open and willing heart. It comes without strings and it can come from anywhere. And I am thankful to many people who knowingly and unknowingly offered even the smallest kindness in the past 9 years when I have most certainly not felt very kind.

This ride started long ago, I thank those who have taken it with me. Those who have known me from the earliest of days that always knew who was inside the facade. I thank those who joined on late, who have only known me during some of the most tumoultous years of my life, the nine years since I gave birth and first started to open Pandora's Box. And, I even thank those who sort of left me on the road. Of course, this ride is not over, it has just taken on a different tone and any and all of you are welcome to stick around to see where our adventures take us to next.

J=Joy

I have a picture of myself that I carry around in my planner. The picture was taken when I was about 4. The 4 year old in that picture had already experienced many things other people won't ever experience in their entire lives. Yet, that 4 year old is joyful, vibrant, buoyant. It is my favorite picture of myself and I carry it around to remind me that this is the most essential part of me, the joy that has always been a part of my being.

There are times in life when I have forgotten that person. When I have been angry, resentful, sad, when I have wanted everyone to leave me alone. That is part of who I am too. The grief, sadness, and even the anger have made me more in touch with the joy, even though that seems strange. And all of these emotions and feelings are part of what it feels like to be human.

Lately, when I am around people who are unhappy, I have a keen awareness that I know what it feels like to be unhappy. I know the years it took to be able to even think about my brother and his death and not be completely overtaken with anger, sadness, or loss. I know about running away faster and faster thinking you can out run the past or at least pretend it did not happen. And I know what I know now, that sometimes people get through it and get on with their lives. That peace can find you at the oddest of times in the most unexpected of ways. I am also aware that I cannot assume when meeting someone where they have been, what they have seen, and the events that have made them who they are.

I=Intention

Several times recently as I have been working through one situation or another I have found a common thread. The common thread always comes back to the intention I have when I am pursuing an activity. In the past couple months, every situation that has led to discomfort, bad feelings, and challenges for me personally can be traced back to not having the proper intention when making choices. Some of my choices have come from a desire for me children to do something I want to do or want them to do and others have come from feeling pressure to do culturally "normal" things.

For sure, these are pretty normal things to do and I am not beating myself up about my choices or the consequences I get to face because of them. On reflection, though, I feel that a huge part of my job as a parent, especially of my oldest daughter, is to help her make choices in keeping with her heart. And, for this reason, I feel lucky to have taken a long look at my choices and how they are actually not in keeping with my role as the person who helps her learn to listen to herself.