The Long and Winding Road

Very few people, even those who know me well, understand the amount of anxiety I have typically lived with. The anxiety has reduced greatly over the years but there has always been a lingering amount that held the potential in any moment to rob me of quality of life and joy. In my mentor's work, I am a plane type. According to Spotted Eagle, Plane types suffer from severe abandonment issues. We believe, even if it is unconscious, that we were dropped off in a dangerous, unfair place. Truth is, even though I am not a dogmatic believer in anything, I fit this type all too well. Even though I have no set idea about whether there is a god or not or where everything came from, I can see the ripple effect of this existential decision in my life.

Going to California really was a way for me to face many of my own fears. I got to stare one of my prevailing fears in the face almost as soon as I arrived in San Francisco. Before my recent trip, I had never driven in a large metro area, let alone in a rental car. I did all the usual things, got my luggage, went to the rental car counter, and then proceeded to the rental car pick-up area. While I was waiting a black car came toward me, I felt an instantaneous, "that is my car and I do not want it." It was a very strong feeling. The rental car agent came to escort me to my car and the unease grew. I looked for a reason why I was feeling uneasy. Was it the out of state plates? The color? In the end although I could not explain why, I told the rental car agent I was not comfortable with this car and was willing to wait for another.

She took me to another car. None of the uneasiness was there. I put in my stuff, checked out and was on my way.

While at the rental car I added a GPS to my rental. It was one of the smartest things I could have done. Plug in an address and the GPS shows you and tells you exactly what to do. Upon leaving the parking garage I set out on the streets of South San Francisco and immediately made my first wrong turn. I was very glad to have the GPS because it recalculated in about 10 seconds, giving me a new route. I learned very quickly that the GPS was only helpful if I chose to listen and listen I did. The GPS had a small screen with a network of computer generated roads and a little car where you happened to be. I began to look at it like a computer game, one I wanted to win.

I proceeded through the city of San Francisco, driving over streets with names like "Beach" and "Eucalyptus". All of a sudden I found myself on the Golden Gate Bridge. Although I had printed directions before I left home, I had not looked at them. Driving over the bridge was spectacular. Having it be a surprise was awesome.

Soon, I was on smaller roads heading towards Northern California. The road was empty and the drive beautiful. Then the road began to wind back and forth like a canyon road here in Utah. I could feel my anxiety rising. Quickly, my brain offered up an alternative to being afraid, fun. I pretended the road was my own personal roller coaster. I concentrated on driving it well, paying close attention to where my car was on the road, and then had a hell of a time. By the time I arrived in Philo, where my hotel was, I had to pee really bad but had a sense of huge accomplishment, like the biggest part of the reason I came was to take that drive.

Bark

I was entranced by the bark of the manzanita tree while in California. Today, a new friend posted this on Facebook.

Living in the Moment

I returned from California on Saturday. I am still sort of in a daze and trying to integrate my experience with my life. I know that living what I know will take a lifetime. It is a journey. I had an experience while I was away that will be a defining point in my life going forward.

I have known for some time that my being was largely intuitive and instinctual. I have played with living from instinct and intuition and if I am present, I can feel the quality of my choices in that space. On the final day of the seminar I was attending, I decided to immerse myself in my intuition and instinct. I chose to live in each moment making no choices about what I was going to do, when I was going to go somewhere, nothing.

I got up and lived in the flow of the unfolding present. The details are not important but when prompted, I acted, I did what felt right and I trusted any insight or instinct that came to me to direct my choices.

I ended up at the sight for the seminar a full 45 minutes early. My brain kicked in for a split second, "what am I going to do here, now?" I found the present again and got out of my car and proceeded to walk down a dirt road. The seminar was at my mentor's home and she lives on top of a mountain in a quiet sanctuary of space in northern California. Up until this point, I had not walked down the road at least not very far.

I have no idea how long or far I walked. I immersed myself totally in the experience of all that was around me. The air was crisp. The trees were covered with a green moss that looked soft and felt soft to the touch. In the distance were hills and hills of grape vineyards. I came upon a tree and was nudged to climb it. This I questioned for a split second. I used my instinct and attention to guide me through the brush surrounding the tree, listening for sounds of snakes. I climbed up the tree and sat down. I sat looking at the wonders of nature all around me. Listening to the birds, trying to see who was making what call. I gazed across yet another valley where two hills full of grapevine met in a low dip. At some point I lost all consious connection with myself and my surroundings. I literally became part of the tree, and the air, and the sky. I had no idea I lost connection. I am still not sure how long I sat in that tree, maybe 20 minutes.

Suddenly, an acorn fell making a noise loud enough to bring me back to the present moment. I got my bearings and when prompted by my intuition climbed down from the tree and began ascending the road. I arrived back at my mentor's home just as the first of the other students were making it up the road to class.

October 17, 2010

I was afraid almost to paralysis upon waking this morning and realizing today is the day I leave my family for a week. There is a short list of first happening on this trip and each one scares me enough to make the whole white hot scary. Lets see first there is the first time I am renting a car by myself, my first time driving in a big city, my first time checking in to a hotel without company of some sort, that might be all of the firsts.

So here I sit in the airport. My own anxiety dealt with and properly grounded I can't help but notice and feel the emotional lives of the other passengers. There is anxiety, excitement, and even some ho hum normalcy in there.

This is possibly the last time I will have internet connection for the week. Apparently, the area I am visiting is a 1950's throwback and I have pondered on more than one occasion what I am going to do with myself with no television, no phone in my room, and no children or pets or responsibilities to pass time with. See you all on the flip side :)

October 14, 2010

We just got back form our local amusement park, Lagoon. We had a pretty good time I must say. The funniest part was, when all strapped in to a ride, Mina began to cry frantically and loudly that she had to pee. I got the two of us out real quick, gave Ari instructions to wait by the side when it was done and ran like crazy to the bathroom. It was funny even when it was happening.

Then I came home and read this post and laughed because this is exactly how I feel.

October 13, 2010

“As spiritual energies living out a human existence, transformation has its seed in our deep longing to be whole. It is something which we hope will strip away the stagnant, unworkable, or merely unsatisfying. We want what is outworn to be demolished, making way for a new expression of our being, one that truly brings us joy, one that gives us the courage to make sweeping changes because the reward is so great.” Spotted Eagle

I got up this morning and read the quote above and then on it's heels this:

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be." Albert Einstein

And also this:

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." Albert Einstein

The entire past year for me has been a process of losing and emptying out. Getting rid of anything that no longer served me and who I want to be. It has been a year of much loss. There were things I purposely walked away from like my family of origin. And then there were the unforeseen changes, like the loss of all the pets John and I had before having our kids. I have some memory of what the summer last year felt like and how hard it was to keep choosing to destroy old aspects of my life.

I am just beginning to see the new aspects of my character emerge, the non-conditioned authentic parts. I am watching my opinions become secondary to understanding what other people are sharing. It is an interesting and often eye popping experience. It is not anything I am doing. Not exactly.

The conscious act of choosing to be present, especially to what I am feeling in any moment, is sometimes grueling. To me presence is about paying attention to all life has to offer. So while I have been more present to the joy, love, peace, serenity, and all the other good stuff in my life, I have also chosen to be present when the unpleasant stuff rears its head and asks to be acknowledged. This means that I have been more in touch with pain, grief, loss, and anger than at any other time in my life. The odd thing about that is that at the same time I have been in close contact with these emotions, I have been to a large degree able to not act them out. And, unlike other times in my life when I felt "like I had arrived" there is no sense of that. There is a strong sense that what I am choosing is an arduous practice that requires moment to moment vigilance and that feels good to me.

So I began the day pondering the words I quoted and then went through the day with a desire to maintain that contact with the moment to moment of what was real and while this is not always a pleasant or wonderful experience, it has become very fulfilling for me.

While I pondered the above I sat with Little Whisker who I have nicknamed my "reading buddy". He enjoys curling up on my lap in the morning and staying there as long as I will let him. Today I read the rest of a book I needed to finish for the seminar I am going to next week. It is called My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. I have enjoyed the book thoroughly and have learned more about the wiring in my brain than ever before.

Jill Bolte Taylor had a massive stroke that destroyed connections in her brain, while she was a neuro-anatomist studying the brain. The book is about her stroke and then her recovery. Today I read that the wiring in your brain is only able to hold on to any emotion for 90 seconds. That within that 90 seconds if you can let it wash over you and do only what is necessary for the situation emotions such as anger and grief will flow over and away. Of course if the emotion is one you want to hold on to, you can choose to do so by connecting in to other areas of the brain. You can essentially choose to run the loops you want to run and consciously choose to end the ones you don't.

The girls for their part have spent the day doing their stuff. More Sonic, some Scooby Doo. Then we all went to the swimming pool. I noticed something interesting. I was feeling a little less grounded than normal- not sure exactly why. I noticed that in order to maintain the tone I wanted to with my kids it was necessary for me to move away from parents who were not honoring their kids. I had never made that conscious choice before and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I could move away and just by being away from what I did not want in my life I could change the tone for us. In the past I think I have gotten carried away by the parenting of other people, either by becoming judgemental or by becoming like them. I love the idea that there are more options out there and that by remaining open and acknowledging what I am feeling about what is around me that I can just shift away.

So here we are. John has to work late because he has a lot of work to finish up before he is Mr. Mom next week. I for my part have a presentation to write, packing to do, kids to prep as much as possible, and honestly I think there is much growth to come from this experience for all of us and all our relationships. While reading on a list this morning someone had posted a statement, "Home is a feeling". This is one of the pieces of my leaving that has been causing me some anxiety. To me that feeling involves the closeness of my family. I am realizing that I have some work to do in the next couple of days analyzing what is going to make my week away from my family not grueling. There has to be a place *in* me that is home too.

October 12, 2010

Today has been serious day of Sonic 2 and Chao raising. Ari had one Chao go from it's first life to being reincarnated which is so cool and one step closer to making the Chaos Chao she wants. I for my part of done a ton of reading and researching on her behalf, finding out how we raise these little digital creatures and how she can keep them happy and so forth.

Mina has done a little bit of everything today. Watercoloring, Kung Fu Panda, playing with Little Peoples, and one of her favorite activities cooking while unclothed.

We spent most of this evening making "sculptures" out of marshmallows and toothpicks. At least that is how we started before we moved on to licorice and small tomatoes, and anything else that could be joined by a small pointed stick. I am sure there will be more of this tomorrow.

I also am now really wanting to make caramels after watching Alton Brown explain how on Food Network. That may be a project for sometime this week depending on the kind of time we have. I need to start packing to go to California.

Now, Mina is cooking noodles with much assistance and support from yours truly and Ari is making her nightly check of all the baby chaos before bed.

October 11, 2010

We were up reaaallllly late last night. Cupcake Wars led to Iron Chef and then Ari had to check in on her chaos before going to bed, just normal stuff really. We learned yesterday that depending on which character and what color chao drives you give the chao they can turn in to replicas of the characters, which we are experimenting with, err Ari is actually.

Ari began her day with Sonic and checking on her chaos again. Then she and Mina decided to be "clan cats". Mina was a pink cat with pink stripes and polka dots and Ari was a blue cat. Then Ari logged in to WoW and Mina cheered her on while she did a few things. Mostly the girls were just not getting along this morning though so I suggested we head out to a park. Since we are still in the grasp of an aphid infestation, we headed to a larger park across town.

We ended up at Liberty Park which is an incredibly cool place. I figured the water features would be off but they were not. The girls had a lot of fun walking through an area known as the seven canyons. Which of course made them both really wet and reminds me that until it is freezing cold I better be keeping towels and a change of clothes for all of us in the car.

We came home, made dinner, watched a little Scooby Doo and now I think everyone is settling in for the night.

10-10-10

He he- I just could not use my date convention when numerically the day is so unique :) A friend on WoW pointed out this morning that in binary the date today added up to 42, therefore we should spend the rest of the day quoting The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Of course, I have never read the book but because I live with an uber nerd I happen to know that the answer to all questions in the universe according to the book is 42. So there you go.

Friday I took the girls to The Museum of Ancient Life. I had not known that it was the largest dinosaur museum in the world, wow. While browsing the galleries and reading the signs to my daughters an interesting feeling came over me. Although we as humans have much more advanced brains, create, use words, and many other things we are not much different than these ancient, extinct creatures. We have only a small amount more control over our environment than they did. The meteor that wiped them out completely would have been unforeseeable and unchangeable. Although a modern human might be able to detect a huge meteor coming at the planet, there is a possibility that there would be nothing one could do to stop it. And every piece of matter that made up the dinosaurs, every molecule, is a kind of molecule I have inside my own skin. It kind of put things in to perspective for me. Although human beings are a creative and incredible work of nature we are also an insignificant spec in the history of living things. It was a feeling I can't describe, although not scary. More of a feeling of being one with what is.

On Saturday, John and I attended a benefit on behalf of his employer. The benefit was for The Guadalupe Schools. What we did not know before we went was that a school is being built in our area. I went through a bunch of different emotions in a tiny frame of time. Everything from, "will the traffic in our area increase" to "what will it do to the air quality" before settling in to the idea that it was already far past the planning stage and that knowing the demographics in my area the school could do a lot of good. The Guadalupe Schools teach a mostly underprivileged, non English speaking population. They have programs for children as well as English as a second language for adults in the evening. Many of the families in our area have individuals who do not speak English. Most of the time the fathers will speak English and the kids will learn to in kindergarten and first grade. Many of the adult females speak only a tiny amount of English, if any at all.

Last night Ari and I stayed up until 2 am. Ari was playing Sonic 2 on the GameCube. I watched while Ari defeated boss after boss, occasionally looking up information on the internet to help her beat them.

This afternoon, Mina and Ari and I broke open some geodes we bought at the museum on Friday. It was amazing to see all the beautiful crystals inside. We also put a Snowflake rock we bought in vinegar. We are looking forward to what will grow on it as the vinegar evaporates. I was hoping to find info to add here on them but kids are needing me. Maybe I can put that up tomorrow.

October 6, 2010

Yesterday we had the opportunity to spend the day with good friends. Of course Mina and Ari and I were very excited to have them over. The day was spent doing the usual: trampoline, GameCube, computer games, walks around the block, impromptu games of soccer on the driveway, scootering in the house, and many other very fun things. Our friends stayed for dinner and then when they were headed home Mina was so sad to see them go. However, she fell in to a deep sleep about a half hour after they left. We hope to see them again really soon :)

Nothing goes better with cabbage...

In the new version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory directed by Tim Burton there is a scene where Charlie's father comes home from work. Upon entering their home Charlie's mother inquires if he has brought anything home to add to the families evening meal. Charlie's father has brought nothing and Charlie's mother who is chopping a head of cabbage says, "Oh well, nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage."


This morning I was lamenting that I "needed to go to the store" that we had "nothing to eat". Most people in the western world have never even experienced the concept of having "nothing to eat". And yet, I can bet that most people have felt as I felt this morning. I was telling my friend that upon looking around I realized that I had a ton of food in the house. That I was focusing on what I did not have in the house and then the above scene popped in to my head as a subtle reminder of what it would really look like if I had "nothing to eat" and no way to change that material fact by just going to the store.

October 5, 2010

6:30 has become my own personal witching hour. For 3 days now I have woken with a start at this same time. The other two days I also managed to wake up my kids but today I am on my own. Little Mina woke up speaking of bugs again yesterday and it was not until last night that I put all the pieces together. We are currently experiencing an aphid infestation unlike anything I have ever seen. From what I can find on the internet the center of the infestation is around 10 miles or so south of us, which makes me wonder how much worse something like this could get. We have been unable to even walk around the block without being covered in the little bugs for about a week. Then last night Mina pointed out that my unshaved legs felt pokey to her like bugs were on her, ding ding. Bugs outside coupled with something uncomfortable touching you while you sleep.

Ari started her day playing Wizard 101. This has become her new favorite. Mina mostly sat and watched her and cheered her on, it was so cute. While they did that I made breakfast and cleaned up some of the kitchen and livingroom. I have several rooms in the house that are in need of attention lest they sink completely in to disorganization.

Mina came out at one point to help me feed the kittens. The cat food container is a plastic bin about 2 feet tall and at the top it is around 2 feet wide with wheels on the bottom. Mina started riding it around the house, laying her stomach on the top and kicking off with her feet. Then Ari wanted to bring in her roller skates. We spent some time Mina riding the cat food container and Ari roller skating in the kitchen and livingroom. Then we brought in both of their scooters. Ari requested signs that said "Stop", "Go", "Parking", and even a bathroom sign for the bathroom door. While the girls scooted we put in a Halloween cd we picked up on Saturday when we got our Halloween costumes. Mina wanted to listen to the Scooby Doo theme song over and over. And then we heard the theme to The Aadams Family which got me thinking that Ari might like this little bit of tv history. So we found episodes on Hulu and she sat and watched them on the laptop for a couple of hours.

Mina and I read some of our favorite Halloween books and watched a favorite of hers Busytown.
Then we headed to the library to return some books and to pick up some pizza for dinner, since John was going to be late at work. We ended the day watching episodes of Scooby Doo.

October 4, 2010

Our big kid and grandma showed up at our front door at 12:30 this morning. Apparently, Ari could not sleep and grandma just decided to drive her home. But they both said they had a wonderful time and grandma seemed totally okay with driving her here. Then at 6:30 little one woke up speaking of bugs and other such things that make sleeping unpleasant. Rough start but oh well. We all went back to sleep after moving to the livingroom.

Ari woke up shortly after I did and we read the Warriors book for a bit. When Mina was up we talked about going to the museum of natural history. Ari said she would rather go to The Museum of Ancient Life and I sort of felt that was an expensive outing and was not really ready to be driving that far so we opted instead to stay home and decorate for Halloween.

Ari made specimen jars using things like plastic spiders and crushed ramen noodles coated with ketchup to make them look gooey. Then she gave them names like "Blood and Guts" and "Sun Dried Spiders" and lined them all up- they are quite spooky.

We all played on the trampoline for a bit then it looked like it might rain so we headed in to get on our rain gear to go for a walk. We went to our local park which is tiny and the only puddle we could find to jump in was at the bottom of the slide so we jumped in it. Then the girls slid through the puddle until thoroughly soaked. We proceeded around the block and then back home again to make dinner.

I made a yummy egg dish from a Rachel Ray cookbook and then ate it while watching Rachel Ray. The girls both had various things like they always do, Ari had potatoes Mina had carrots. Then they both had noodles. Then John finally made it home from work. Now, well I am wanting to head to bed and maybe the girls will be willing too :)

October 3, 2010

Today Ari and I went to Craft Sabbath with Grandma Michele (John's mom). We had a special order to pick up from Grimmleighs and Ari had just gotten her toy money so she thought she may want to pick up some things. I found a cool shirt by White Elephant Collective. I mean seriously who does not need a shirt with owls that have mustaches? We spent some time at our favorite fountain and then we headed to Oasis and The Golden Braid Bookstore. We browsed the bookstore and picked out a few items, both Ari and I were in need of new journals and then we went and had a late lunch or early dinner however you want to look at it. On our way out of the cafe an employee I know from previous visits asked Ari if she would like a cookie. She told him she had not left room and would pass but thanks. I did not think twice about it at the time but an 8 year old passing up a cookie because they are full is pretty great self-control.

Ari wanted to show me one more thing in the bookstore and I went back in with her. She found a pen that had an eyeball top. I told her I had spent as much money as I felt good about. She kept pressing me to spend more money and I told her that I would like to look in the store with her but if we were going to keep having this discussion about buying more stuff I was going to need to leave. She walked to the back of the store and I went to sit by her. She told me she was upset that a purse she had wanted earlier had been bought and it was the only one in that color. I reminded her that she had spent all of her money at the craft show, that I had agreed to buy her a new journal and had also bought a heart shaped rock but that I thought we had spent enough- I did not feel bad about not buying everything. Part of me wanted to pressure her to leave but another part of me remembered that conflict has to be resolved in a way in which everyone keeps there power or it harms your relationship. I waited for her to be ready and all was well.

We came home and Ari made plans to sleep over at Grandma's, which is where she is right now.

October 2, 2010

Our enjoyment of the Halloween season borders on crazy.

We all went as a family today to get costumes. John is going to be wolfman- his costume is pretty scary and had not only Mina but the cats all kinds of afraid. Little Whisker ran in to the sliding glass window with such force we thought he might dent it.

I am going to be a witch this year and I am pretty exited about my lovely spider jewelry and cape. Its the little things in life that get me all excited. :)

Ari is going to be Frankie Stein which is a character from a new line of toys called Monster High. We had no idea we would find a costume for Monster High but since she also collects the dolls she was really stoked. Why am I not creating a link you may ask- because if she sees I am so easily giving away her Halloween costume she may not be so excited about it.

Our dear little one, Mina bought a Tinkerbell costume but upon putting it on declared it "itchy" and will not go near it. So, I guess we will have to figure out something else or attach the wings to something less itchy or we always have that huge basket of dress-ups in the toy room.

Now I think we need to start making some more decorations and maybe a pinata as the girls are thinking they want to have a little party, Boo!

October 1, 2010

Today we had an interesting jaunt to the pumpkin patch. It was hot, it was dirty, and there were horse flies who wanted and took a piece of each one of us. Did I mention we bought 8 pumpkins plus a bunch more small ones? We will be carving and carving some more.

We ended our day at a friends surprise party. It was so great and cool to be a part of a great surprise for some one I really adore. It is funny though, I am just not a party gal. I think that is what I really needed to know about myself. I love, love to spend time with other people in very small intimate gatherings, but parties, well they just don't do it for me.

I am off to read to Ari.