One time while speaking to my mentor she stated rather neutrally, "Life has pain in it." Part of me thought, "no duh". But some other part of me realized that I had a belief that if I was "doing it right" life would be pain free. The idea that life should be pain free is really debilitating. If a person holds this belief, then when things get painful, as they always will when you have to face a truth that is unpleasant, there is a tendency to resist. Resisting truth, however painful it may be, leads to increased bondage. The only way to free oneself from bondage is to face whatever is there, even if it is ugly, or unpleasant.
This weekend, I was given the opportunity to see a huge pattern in my own perceptions, behaviors, and choices. This seeing had many threads that wove around and in to every relationship I have ever had and every relationship I currently have. The seeing was incredibly painful. In fact, the confrontation was so powerful, I had symptoms of asthma, nightmares, and an acute pain in my chest. A pain that I at one point briefly questioned as a heart attack.
Even while I was in pain, even while I could feel this incredible pull to curse my body, to blame it for just not acting properly, I did not. I managed oddly enough to remain present with my family, to conduct myself in ways I do not now have to regret. And even though it hurt, I knew I was being shown something important, something that if I could just be honest about it, would allow me to really see what I was up to.
When the pattern became obvious, when I could see where all the pain came from, when I could feel all the grief, the disappointment, the anger, the confusion; suddenly I felt peaceful. I knew what came next. I knew that a pattern had been shown to me, one that held the keys to my bondage or liberation. I know that if I am present and open, if I trust my intuition, and if I really immerse myself in living from my heart, I can make headway on that old pattern. I know that it will not be a one time fairy dust, emancipation experience. I know that I have to do the work and that doing the work can be both joyful and rewarding.
Forest School at Crestwood Park
1 day ago